Lady Dragon (1992)

Rothrock is our hero!

Cynthia Rothrock
you are a Lady Dragon.
So fuck up some men!

Treason or magic?
Beat your slutty nemesis!
Now, shoulder shimmy.

Note: For fashion alone, this trailer is worth watching.

The Prophecy

Christopher Walken
runs around in leather pants
and gets biblical.

The Prophecy 2

DANZIG.

Christopher Walken,
he can’t use a computer.
still, don’t fuck with him.

i could not find a trailer for this one, here is a clip:

The Prophecy 3: The Ascent

ORGY MOUNTAIN.

Christopher Walken,
your hair is ridiculous,
look! now you are doves.

for some reason there are two more of these.  i do not understand why.

Shadow Hours (2000)

Made in 2000, yet painfully '90s.

Fast-forward when bored
to club scenes with sexiness.
Hell? Satan? Nowhere.

Rebecca Gayheart
we loved it when you harped on
Balthazar Getty

AND NOW another thrilling edition of CELL PHONE CAMERA THEATRE:

We watched this exchange about a half dozen times. It gets better with repeat viewings.

A break, Michael? Don’t lie to me.

[Hall of Fame] Winnipeg

Winnipeg: Quite possibly Canada's worst everything!

Congratulations, Winnipeg! You have starred in three 24 Hours to Midnight classics! The entirety of “Brotherhood 3: Young Demons” and “The Haunting in Connecticut”, as well as sections of Silent Hill, Cursed, and Resident Evil: Apocalypse were all filmed in the Murder Capital of Canada.

Accepting this award is Winnipeg’s own, Chantal Kreviazuk.

WAAAAAAYNE / WAIT FOR ME / TAKE ME UP IN YOUR HOTAIRBALLOON AND FEED ME COTTON CANDYYY

Winnie. The. Pooh.

Cursed

NO HOMO.

the mark of the beast
savage werewolves in LA
LOOK OUT! IT’S PACEY!

Shivers

The tub was full of sherbet.

ugh – who paid for this?
the canadian film board?
j’accuse, cronenberg!

We’d lose whatever credibility we have as artsy, godless, communist, latte-sucking, tofu-chomping, holistic-wacko neurotic vegan perverts if we were caught coming down on the National Film Board like consertives have in days of yore. Really, we’re happy that the Canadian government helps in funding films, even bad ones like this. I mean, if nobody made bad movies, we wouldn’t be internet famous. And we’d rather be internet famous than Canadian famous (a.k.a. not famous).

Speaking of the NFB, omg have your tried their app?

More National Film Board hotness: 

Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe

jesse ventura,
no one likes jim belushi.
why’s he in your film?

Class of 1999

"The ultimate teaching machine... Out of control."

Army bot teachers
sent to teach in a gangland.
Then they start to kill!

Nineteen Ninety-Nine,
has never looked so eighties.
OH GOD! It’s that kid!

Cool! It’s Jackie Brown!
Why spend so much on robots?
Dudes, just move the school!