Monthly Archives: December 2009

Blacula

Blacula

Not pictured: Chinese Wolfman

jive nosferatu
he’s here to take your women
honky dracula


Blacula vs. a pair of fancy gentlemen. Child, be still!

Gordon Pinsent in Blacula

He's not taking any of your shit, detective.

CANADIAN CONTENT ALERT! Playing the hard-nosed Lt. Jack Peters, its national treasure Gordon Pinsent.

THIS JUST IN! Gordon Pinsent is the voice of King Babar.

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Silent Night, Deadly Night

PUNISH!!!

santa raped his mom
boy forced to wear santa suit
uh, can you blame him?

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[site news] 100 000 visitors!

Wow! 100 000 visitors! Over this past year, we figure we’ve gained a legion of faithful followers (well, we have one guy, and he has a blog where he posts pictures of himself on the toilet). Anyways, we’re always glad when people visit, comment, and share. So, thanks!

With somewhere around 200 films haiku’d, you may think that we’re running out of filth to roll around in. Happily, that is not the case.  I made another stop into our favourite video store to peruse the archives. I made some purchases.

Three piles of VHS tapes and cases

Glory!

What we have here is a a Whitman’s Sampler of 24H2Midnight wonders. We’ve got films by some of our favorites: Cynthia Rothrock! Fred Olen Ray! Tawny Kitaen! Billy Dee Williams, Morgan Fairchild and Vanity starring in the same movie!

Also in the pile is “Zardoz”.  If you know what “Zardoz” is, you are having a nerdgasm right now. If you don’t know what “Zardoz” is, I suggest you do a Google Image Search (and have some bleach ready for your eyes).

Happy Saturnalia, y’all!

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Black Christmas (2006)

Trachtenberg, get off the couch already!

Michelle Trachtenberg,
nothing says Christmas like gross
and scary incest.

Andrea Martin
and Lacey Chabert. Sicko!
Don’t eat those cookies!

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[site news] Staff Xmas Party

We’re watching Black Christmas (the Michelle Trachtenberg one) and maybe Silent Night Deadly Night. There is also booze. And Bumpits.

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Wild Things

wild things

Swamp Things

unbelievable.
denise richards as high school tramp?
woman, you’re 30.


Actually, the movie’s not THAT bad. And Bill Murray’s pretty good. Still, it didn’t need to be 108 minutes long.

Wild Things in 90 Seconds. Actually pretty good. Also, NSFW: 

The final twist: There’s a “Wild Things 2”.

Another final twist!: There’s a “Wild Things 3”!

THE HORRIFYING FINAL TWIST!!!: They’re doing a re-make of the original “Wild Things”! AGGHH!!

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Curse of the Vampires

Curse of the Vampires

filipino vamps
pointy teeth, strange orange hue
hate candelabras


Seriously, you could make a drinking game here where you take shot every time someone throws a candelabra. That kind of high-drama is to be expected… “Curse of the Vampires” is like a Gothic vampire flick mashed-up with a Mexican telenovela. In fact, there’s so much awesome, we have to break it down, bullet-point style:

  • It’s an all-filipino cast playing the inhabitants of a Spanish-American plantation… including the perma-smiling slaves, who are made up in always-hilarious/cringe-inducing blackface.
  • The back of the DVD case reads: “It’s filipino bloodshed at it’s most incestuous!”. This is a relief to all of those that have found their filipino bloodshed to be lacking in the incest department.
  • “Twilight” may have vampire versus werewolf, but “Curse of the Vampires” has something infinitely more awesome: VAMPIRE vs. GHOST! zomg/zomg/zomg!!!

The movie itself was solid gold, but the real highlight here was the intro. The film is a part of the Retromedia Drive-In Theatre series, hosted by Fred Olen Ray. You may remember Ray from such films as “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”, and “Invisible Mom 2”, as well as 24H2M classics “Alienator”, and “Star Slammer”.  Set at the sketchiest drive-in history (featuring nudity in the first 60 seconds; savbrew: “Four boobs… and two butts!”), Ray sets the table for a cinematic trash buffet. We couldn’t help but feel like he made it especially for us.

“big, swingin’ hooters!”
boobs, puns, ridiculousness…
high-five to your brain!

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The Tara Reid Acting School for Real Smart Ladies: Jon Bon Jovi

Occasionally, a filmmaker needs a lady to look smart, and really wants to beat the audience over the head with it. And sometimes, the menfolk need a little IQ boost from the propmaster, too. The Tara Reid Acting School for Real Smart Ladies is proud to present today’s graduate: Jon Bon Jovi.

Practically a lady.

In the not-all-that-bad 2005 slasher/thriller Cry_Wolf, the usual pack of endangered teens are mentored by Prof. Rich Walker — an eBay shoppin’, student-gropin’ faculty member. He wears the standard issue college professor uniform: tweed jacket, sweater vest, and glasses. As the characters wait for the killer’s next move, Prof. Rich Walker discusses the plot with the male lead over (ugh) a game of chess. Here, chess is a metaphor for obvious metaphors.

"Bookshelves", he said thoughtfully.

"Bookshelves", he said thoughtfully.

Graduate: Jon Bon Jovi
Major: Tweed Application
Film: Cry_Wolf (2005)

From all of us here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, we wish Jon Bon Jovi a hearty congratulations, and remind our readers that glasses make u look totes smart lollllllll.

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Cry_Wolf

something something Slippery When Wet

the real deception?
jon bon jovi: college prof.
tweed doesn’t fool us.

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Little Witches

not fariuza balk.

nude witches cast spells
cheap-o version of the craft
zelda rubenstein

i couldn’t find a working video for this on youtube, or google video. there is a trailer at this link, but first you have to watch an ad for a vibrator or condoms or something. fun times.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?PublishedID=242528

this movie was actually pretty entertaining, and has a fanny-pack wearing nun in it. boylorne has tried to add the leading man as a friend on facebook.  apparently he’s not up to much acting-wise, so hopefully he accepts.

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