Curse of the Vampires

filipino vamps
pointy teeth, strange orange hue
hate candelabras

Seriously, you could make a drinking game here where you take shot every time someone throws a candelabra. That kind of high-drama is to be expected… “Curse of the Vampires” is like a Gothic vampire flick mashed-up with a Mexican telenovela. In fact, there’s so much awesome, we have to break it down, bullet-point style:

• It’s an all-filipino cast playing the inhabitants of a Spanish-American plantation… including the perma-smiling slaves, who are made up in always-hilarious/cringe-inducing blackface.
• The back of the DVD case reads: “It’s filipino bloodshed at it’s most incestuous!”. This is a relief to all of those that have found their filipino bloodshed to be lacking in the incest department.
• “Twilight” may have vampire versus werewolf, but “Curse of the Vampires” has something infinitely more awesome: VAMPIRE vs. GHOST! zomg/zomg/zomg!!!

The movie itself was solid gold, but the real highlight here was the intro. The film is a part of the Retromedia Drive-In Theatre series, hosted by Fred Olen Ray. You may remember Ray from such films as “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”, and “Invisible Mom 2”, as well as 24H2M classics “Alienator”, and “Star Slammer”.  Set at the sketchiest drive-in history (featuring nudity in the first 60 seconds; savbrew: “Four boobs… and two butts!”), Ray sets the table for a cinematic trash buffet. We couldn’t help but feel like he made it especially for us.

“big, swingin’ hooters!”
boobs, puns, ridiculousness…
high-five to your brain!