The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak

someone save tawny
she’s bound and helpless again
fourteenth time today

Note: Watch the trailer at 0:20 seconds. Tawny gets nailed in the the face with a chunk of wood. Pretty funny.

For starters, the movie is based on the works of one John Willie, fetish photographer and bondage artist. His favourite subject was Gwendoline, your basic damsel-in-distress, who would get tied up by the evil queen (more on her later) until she was saved by (sigh) Secret Agent u-69.

So, the movie. It starts like an Indiana Jones knock-off (because it is) plus heaps of exposition explaining the importance of some exotic butterfly. We meet the swarthy hero who may just backhand his unwanted lady tag-along (Tawny Kitaen) at any minute. They face a variety of obstacles (Orientals! African savages!) but then, two-thirds of the way through the movie, the heroes come up a lost city of Amazons, and Tawny Kitaen ends up decked out in sweet gauntlets.

Some people prefer Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video. Others prefer her in this ludicrous battle armor.

Then, there’s this. Skip to 1:40 to cut to the chase (literally):

After the TOTALLY EMPOWERING scene of ladies pulling chariots like horses, there’s a sweet fight scene. All the ladies are wearing leather thongs, so consider it NSFW.

We have to mention this scene, where virginal Gwendoline gets a lesson in love in this “phone sex without the phone” scene between Tawny Kitaen and Brent Huff. How long can you go without wretching?

Sidenote: The name of the actress that joins them at the end is Zabou. Just Zabou. One name. Like Yanni.

What else? Oh yeah, the Queen. She’s like a sado-masochistic Toad, wrapped in a sleeping bag. Pretty good.

The Queen, guarded by her clone army of samurai Grace Jones'.

Also, this happened.