Tooth and Nail (2007)

Unfortunately, no skeleton butterfly monsters here.

Come on, Rider Strong!
How many times have you been
post-apocalypsed?

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The Watcher (2000)

seriously, just watch the first 5 minutes, or better yet, this youtube clip.

if you want to see
keanu dance to dragula,
watch this movie

Scandal in a Small Town

jacket, vest, shorts, shirt,
overalls, hat, scrunchie, skirt
a sea of denim

This movie would make an excellent drinking game, and you only need one rule: drink every time you seen something denim. People in this film certainly love that rugged cotton textile. Before seeing this movie, we didn’t know that denim blazers existed. Now we do.

First, let’s get the synopsis out of the way:
“She may not be the moral standard of the town, but this sexy lady is a woman ready to fight for what she believes in. When confronted with the fight of her life, she faces the town leaders head on and forces them to take note of their prejudices; proving to all that being sexy is no crime.”

PHEW. OK. Now, what IS the scandal? Well, Raquel finds out that her teen daughter’s history teacher is  is being taught to hate Jews. However, their tiny town hates skanks more than Nazis, so they try to burn down her house.

Here’s some important math:

• Raquel Welch was 49 when this movie came out.
• She was a teen mom, giving birth to her daughter at 16.
• In this film, her daughter is 16.
• That means that Raquel is playing a 32 year old woman. C’mon, Raquel. Seriously.

Can’t get enough of Raquel and her rhythmic movements? Hair you go:

The Crow: Wicked Prayer

walk slow as house burns
and look like a sad lady.
re-apply lipstick

Ohhh… so many problems with this one. Here’s a few highlights:

• the theatrical debut of the UFC’s Tito Ortiz.
• a cameo by Macy Gray.
• Dennis Hopper in a complete WTF performance as a jive-talkin’ pimp/cult leader. Not even he can deliver a stinker of a line like “I now pronounce you devil and his shorty!”

On the upside, it’s got Danny Trejo (MACHETE!) and our best girl, Tara Reid!

I thought the biggest problem was Edward Furlong, who ends up looking more than a little effeminate after he takes a Sharpie to his face. The look he’s going for is “grim spectre of death” but it’s more like “bay goth teen who took a Sharpie to his face while watching the first Crow movie in their room on VHS”.

Evanescence's webmaster.

Personally, Edward Furlong as The Crow reminded me of those Living Dead Dolls from Hot Topic:

Basically the same.

Jurassic Park

DINOSAURS! GOLDBLUM! AWESOME!

newman frees dinos
“chaotician” loses shirt
hold on to yer butts

Hello.

Join us on the couch.

Ever wonder what it’s like to watch a movie with the 24H2M crew? It’s a lot like this:

Swamp Women

prison for bitches
questionable uniforms
behold! camel toe!

Whiteout (2009)

aurora snorealis.

to quote my mother:
“whiteout? it’s more like blackout!”
it put us to sleep

Hardbodies (1984)

surprisingly, this was not the soft-core porn i accidentally downloaded. double barf.

80’s beach movie
3 old pervs pay to meet chicks
jacuz-arooski

when i first heard about this movie on gilmore girls, i knew i had to watch it. now i am seriously questioning their taste level. a beach “stud” who is down on his luck is “hired” by three older gentlemen to help them meet “hardbodies,” which are essentially hot girls who hang out at the beach. this movie features courtney gains (the burbs, children of the corn, can’t buy me love) as the beach studs best friend, rag, and a bunch of ladies that were probably featured in a men’s magazine at some point in their lives as this was originally a playboy movie, and then released as a comedy. on the plus side, there is a hilarious shopping mall musical montage, and a pretty awesome girl band called….Hardbodies (VIXEN!!!!!). essentially, if you like boobs and really cheesy comedy, you will like this movie.

Missionary Man

missionary man: loves beating up dudes with garbage cans. co-starring someone who was on one episode of the new melrose place.

ride your motor bike
quote scripture, beat up bad guys
“do” the widow.  yawn.

Seriously, for a movie that had so much going for it, I have no idea how it turned out so terribly.  There were explosions, tequila shots, crooked cops, motorcycles, vengeance and DOLPH LUNDGREN, and still this put me to sleep.  Maybe it was just too cliche ridden to hold my attention.  The highlight by far was this preview:

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS!!!!!!!

boylorne: Dolph Lundgren is a man of many talents. Check this out (and wait for 1:15… AND 1:30):