Monthly Archives: June 2010

A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1973)

avirginamongthelivingdead A Virgin Among the Living Dead

This movie poster is so metal.

make it italian?
just add gore, incest, and freaks.
mission accomplished.

A nerdish failing of mine: I don’t get Italian horror. Argento, Fulci, Bava… their charms are lost on me. I notice the stylistic flourishes (the melodrama, the gore, etc., etc., etc.) but it’s not for me. I recognize, however, that this movie is a bad example of the genre.

To summarize: our heroine (?) is called to a creepy mansion for the reading of her father’s will. Creepy mansion is home to weirdo relatives. Eventually (and in this case, “eventually” means over an hour into the film), some crazy shit goes down, and she descends into madness, I guess. What the “crazy shit” consists of depends on what version of the film you see.  There are at least TEN different versions of this mess, and some of them follow a completely different plot than the rest.

The one we watched was also released under the title “Zombi 4” (unrelated to Lucio Fulci’s “Zombi”) and included about forty minutes of our hero stumbling through the woods, and with dirty-looking men occasionally getting out from under piles of leaves. We weren’t lucky enough to get the saucy softcore version (“Christina: Princess of Eroticism”) or the Vincent-Price-is-on-the-box-but-not-in-the-movie version with vampires.

Anyway, no video for this one, but here’s an excerpt from the soundtrack. Feel free to use it instead of your usual Spooky Holiday sound effects tape:

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[PREVIEW] Taryn Manning

taryn manning

Future 24H2M Hall of Famer, Taryn Manning. Yeesh.

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Face/Off (1997)

IT'S NICOLAS CAGE PRETENDING TO BE JOHN TRAVOLTA PRETENDING TO BE NICOLAS CAGE

nic cage, crimson cloaked,
tin of joints, bazooka joe,
eat a peach,  face? off!

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The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Summer vacation ideas.

It’s so romantic.
Connected butthole to mouth;
Pooping back and forth.

WARNING: Once you watch this, you cannot unwatch it:

And for those special loved ones in your life, Etsy has some flossy accessories: http://www.etsy.com/listing/48710700/the-human-centipede-necklace

For those lonely nights, there’s also the video game: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/human-centipede-game/

Happy news! 2011’s planned sequel has been described by auteur Tom Six as making the first one look like My Little Pony in comparison.

Seriously though, this movie made me really sad.

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Crossworlds (1997)

you know, it’s funny…
these alternate dimensions
all look like L.A.

Dumb fact: While we were watching Crossworlds, we talked about Crossroads (2002). Unbeknownst to us, the Queen is played by Beverly Johnson, who also played Britney Spears’ mean friend’s mean mom in Crossroads (2002). Weird.

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Mirror Mirror (1990)

i bought this because it had a hologram on the cover.

goth loner seeks friends
it could just be how you’re dressed
hang with beetlejuice

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Disco Godfather (1979)

“put your weight on it!”
he yells it, ad nauseam.
not a good catchphrase.

Synopsis: A retired police officer becomes a vigilante slash local celebrity comma anti-drug advocate uh disco enthusiast. The weirdness of the movie is thanks almost entirely to the presence of Rudy Ray Moore (singer, actor, producer, bon vivant). Moore also completed 32 comedy albums, the humour of which is as subtle as his track “Mr. Big Dick” from the album “This Pussy Belongs to Me”.

From the credits: “Put Your Weight On It” phrase copyright © Rudy Ray Moore

disco_godfather rudy ray moore

SPOILER ALERT: Despite the The Disco Godfather’s constant quipping, big smiling dance sequences, sudden kung-fu battles, and impromptu stand-up comedy routines, the movie manages to end on a horrifying note. Once the Disco Godfather tracks down the kingpin that is behind the city’s drug production, he gets ambushed, and is forced to inhale PCP through a gas mask. The freezeframe that accompanies the closing credits is the Disco Godfather, tortured by demonic imagery, screaming hysterically with a gas mask strapped to his face. Umm… put your weight on it, put your weight on it, put your weight on it!!

avenging_disco_godfather

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