Monthly Archives: July 2010

The Stuff (1985)

what the fuck is in activia?

marshmallow cocaine
agent rutherford’s new job?
“ice cream saboteur”

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The Fourth Kind (2009)

wam bam thank you spaceman

MILLA JOJOVICH!
YOU SAID THE FOOTAGE WAS REAL!
YOU ARE A LIAR!

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True Believer (1989)

"IS THAT HARRY POTTER????" no mom, it's robert downey jr.

rob downey in court
james woods has a ponytail
it’s weird and poufy

despite there being several clips from the movie, i could not find a trailer on youtube, watch this instead:

there is a trailer on videodetective, but i am bad at the internet.  here is a link:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/TRUE_BELIEVER/trailer/P00000847.htm

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Drop Squad (1994)

drop squad eriq la salle

Big trouble at County General

there’s lots of yelling
and I was totally bored
(this haiku’s racist)

This parody commercial makes the 90 minutes of angry monologues and heavy-handed satire almost seem worthwhile.

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boylorne bought some cool tapes

On a recent return trip to the greatest depository of VHS on the Eastern seaboard, I picked up sixteen choice films for reviewing/merry-making. Now, they have a new home on my so-good Wal-Mart particle board bookcase.

VHS tapes on a bookshelf

Classing up the place.

Before they were ready to display, the tapes had to be taken out of their hard plastic VHS cases (more on that later), while the cardboard movie boxes were shucked from their plastic dust jackets. The display boxes had spent the past twenty plus years on the shelf, soaking up the sunlight and carbon dioxide produced by local mouthbreathers.

Personally, I think they look like they're made of the the ectoplasm from "A Haunting in Connecticut"

Personally, I think it looks like it's made of the ectoplasm from "A Haunting in Connecticut".

Meanwhile, the tapes themselves were out in the cool, dark storage room, like so many polypropylene sarcophagi.

vhs cases

Left: A stack of VHS cases. Right: A shapely leg.

This leaves me to question: What am I going to do with these VHS cases? They don’t seem to be recyclable. I suppose I could go to craftster.org, and find out how to make some sort of re-purposed jewellery box? Or perhaps a twee endtable to sell on Etsy? Suggestions are welcome.

Edit: The films are Blown Away, Programmed to Kill, Trancers 3, Siesta, April Fool’s Day, Lady Dragon 2, Tiger Claws 2, Who is Cletus Tout?, Brenda Starr, Never Too Young to Die, Alien Intruder, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Deadlock, Prayer of the Rollerboys, and Commando Squad.

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Zombie Strippers! (2008)

like flashdance, but with zombies instead of welding.

hey everybody
let’s make like tito ortiz
and haul fucking buns

well, we’ve finally seen ZOMBIE STRIPPERS, and now we can never unsee it.

highlights include:

  • weird existential bullshit dialogue that makes absolutely no sense
  • references to both UHF and THE WARRIORS
  • ridiculous stripper pole moves
  • a zombie stripper shooting golf AND pool balls out of her cooch

despite all of this, i can never, ever imagine watching it again. solid effort, really good if you’re into strippers and zombies maybe, but a pretty terrible movie all in all.

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Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

As good or better than the original

A dark comedy
Rider Strong dies first, thank god
Don’t drink that punch, bitch!

According to the A.V. Club, director Ti West (House of the Devil, The Roost) requested to have his screen credit removed from the film because it had been shelved since 2007 and recut without his input. West originally envisioned his film as “a very John Waters/Paul Bartel-style anarchist horror-comedy, a very disgusting social commentary about teen sex and disease and things like that.” Though he was unimpressed with the results, these elements are still present in the final, bloody disgusting product.

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The Stand

SWINE FLU Y'ALL! CAPTAIN TRIPS!

part I: the plague

dark man, what you wear?
canadian tuxedo
denim on demim

part II: the dreams

everyone is dead
except for b-list celebs
molly! stop singing!

part III: the betrayal

the power comes on
stephen king makes cameo
hauls corpses around

part IV: the stand

a baby gets born
ghost of mother abigail
something about god

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Fatal Attraction (1987)

i'm really into everyone wearing white t-shirts 4 sizes too big in this movie. and the tiny, adorable, butchy daughter.

michael douglas cheats
with glenn closes’s untanned breasts
gets what he deserves

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