Ragdoll (1999)

a funky, funky jam

watch out, gay tupac!
beware: ragdoll’s gonna come
close with a slow jam

The cat-in-heat howls of the ragdoll are bad, but we found something far, far worse. Behold: Svengoolie, and his chilling song parodies.

Drive Angry (2011)

nicolas cage brakes for pussy.

nic cage! back from hell!
has sex during a shoot out
drinks beer from a skull

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

SHEERS.

john stamos:  real man
gene simmons: hermaphrodite
they almost tongue kiss

ALSO:

ALSO:

Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)

nothing says "christmas" like one piece of garland taped to the wall

santa clauses die!
everyone’s eyes are smiling
what a crappy gift

clearly our new year’s resolution was not to update the blog more frequently!

Season of the Witch (2011)

FEATURING AN AWESOME DIRTSTACHE.

sir nicolas cage
prance around on your pony
bleed out your sadness

Loverboy (1989)

EXTRA ANCHOVIES.

pat dempsey sells out
quits punk to become a ho
woos kirstie alley

Burlesque (2010)

"WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL MY LIFE"

welcome to burlesque
your leg is cher’s microphone
glitter bras for all

cher and a crow bar
beat the windows out ya car
lame drama ballad

Modelli Folli aka Model Madness (2010)

motion editorial sickness

ty-ty’s in film school
so whip your hair in reverse
a top model first

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

THE GREATEST TERRIBLE SEQUEL OF ALL TIME. I LOVE THIS MOVIE. I HAVE BAD TASTE.

lame raver vampires
the frog brothers last hurrah?
cry little sister

ok, so the lost boys is pretty much my favorite movie of all time, and i know this looks terrible, but it is surprisingly enjoyable. cory feldman always is amazing as edgar frog, and this movie is full of really good one liners, really hilarious weapons, and tonnes of flashbacks and references to the original movie. also, a touching tribute to sam emerson/corey haim. the raver storyline was a bit dated, but what can you do? also, on the bonus features on the dvd, there is something called “the art of seduction: vampire lore.” i decided that it was too amazing to watch by myself, so maybe we’ll do a review of that in the future.

what's your childhood trauma?

unfortunately, there was none of this:

but there was lots of this:

only hilarious. there was no music video like on the tribe, and i can’t track down that one. IF IT AIN’T BROKE DON’T FIX IT.

also, apparently they killed the head vampire this time, and as you know if you kill the head vampire all half vampires are turned back into regular people.  there was a bit of werewolf drama at the end of this one, so my fingers are crossed for a fourth chapter.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

The Sentinel (1977)

CHRIS SARANDON = ADEQUATE LOVER.

hard day for model
scantily clad, armed with knife
what’s that? hell portal!

this movie co-stars chris sarandon aka jerry dandridge from fright night aka jack skellington as model allison parker’s concerned, creepy boyfriend.

JACK SKELLINGTON.

plus, everyone is in this movie including christopher walken, burgess meredith, jerry orbach, beverly d’angelo as a deranged lesbian, and the love of my life jeff goldblum.

AWESOME.