Dr. Giggles (1992)

Read the review at thescope.ca…

Burlesque (2010)

"WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL MY LIFE"

welcome to burlesque
your leg is cher’s microphone
glitter bras for all

cher and a crow bar
beat the windows out ya car
lame drama ballad

Modelli Folli aka Model Madness (2010)

motion editorial sickness

ty-ty’s in film school
so whip your hair in reverse
a top model first

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

"Who would want to be with a singer-songwriter who hasn't hit the big time? ... Do you want some couscous?"

sluttiness abounds
and so do gay one-liners
yay, stabbed by drag queen!

Here’s the “sexy version” of the trailer:

And here’s a fun little scene:

So it turns out that above crazy lady was actually gang-banged by a large group of Republicans and gave birth to a teenage zombie boy.

 

Salt (2010)

 

Would you like some fat, pouty lips with your salt?

Typical Jolie:
shoot some guns and give some ‘tude;
ridiculous clothes.

At least the role didn’t go to Tom Cruise, as was originally intended – though imagine him sporting this rather fetching look:

Jolie: so Russian

Missionary Man

missionary man: loves beating up dudes with garbage cans. co-starring someone who was on one episode of the new melrose place.

ride your motor bike
quote scripture, beat up bad guys
“do” the widow.  yawn.

Seriously, for a movie that had so much going for it, I have no idea how it turned out so terribly.  There were explosions, tequila shots, crooked cops, motorcycles, vengeance and DOLPH LUNDGREN, and still this put me to sleep.  Maybe it was just too cliche ridden to hold my attention.  The highlight by far was this preview:

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS!!!!!!!

boylorne: Dolph Lundgren is a man of many talents. Check this out (and wait for 1:15… AND 1:30):

Seduced By Evil (1994)

Seduced by cartoon Suzanne Somers

 Sporting Southwest styles,
Somers faces crow brujo
and morphs into wolf. 

 

Right?? It doesn’t get much better, gentle viewer. Or does it? Let’s watch: 

 

You have to admit, Somers is one of those actors who presents a really serious performance. Can’t you just feel the psychic vibes on the wind? Well, I guess she had some guidance from sassy spiritual advisor Julie Carmen–actress, psychotherapist, yoga instructor and friend of Suzanne Somers–pictured here with the author of the original book, Jann Arrington Wolcott:

Seduced by lesbigays

 

Wing Commander

PHALLIC.

we’re in outer space!
uh, necklaces and boat necks?
not very manly

Red Surf

GENE SIMMONS

hunky george clooney
guns n’roses belly top
cocaine blow job

This was an early 90’s surfer flick featuring a roseanne-era clooney, michelle pfeiffer’s little sister dedee, and gene simmons.  i’m pretty sure it’s about some sort of set-up involving a drug deal, and then revenge, but i sort of stopped paying a lot of attention to the plot.  my either way, it’s an entertaining movie to watch at least once, if only for the drug addled bromance of atilla and remar.

Open Graves

featuring eliza dushku as a weird sea-witch

douchebags play board game
“sexy” chainsaw photoshoot
death by CGI