Troll 2

 

If only there were trolls in this movie

 

corn on the cob slut
vegetarian goblins
baloney sandwich!

Mortal Kombat (1995)

acting’s not crucial
when you’ve got kicks-to-the-face.
cue nineties techno

We’re late to the gate with this, but in case you haven’t seen it, here’s the video that was (supposedly) produced as a means of shopping around a rebooted “Mortal Kombat” film. The short is directed by Kevin Tancharoen, who is mostly known for his dance movies, which seem to definitely be in play here: He’s definitely choreography chops. Also, geeks take note: he’s Maurissa Tancharoen’s brother.

Back to the film at hand: when it comes to the soundtrack, there are definitely some things worth noting. First off, we have Orbital’s “Halcyon and On and On”. Considering its prominence on the soundtrack of “Hackers” and “Mortal Kombat”, we feel that back to 1995, this track was shorthand for “roll credits”.

It was this next excerpt from the soundtrack that really dropped my jaw. Watch this video of the penultimate fight scene of the movie, and jump to about a minute in:

The artist behind the track? It’s noted adult film actress and 24H2Midnight favourite Traci Lords! Check out her music video here:

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

As good or better than the original

A dark comedy
Rider Strong dies first, thank god
Don’t drink that punch, bitch!

According to the A.V. Club, director Ti West (House of the Devil, The Roost) requested to have his screen credit removed from the film because it had been shelved since 2007 and recut without his input. West originally envisioned his film as “a very John Waters/Paul Bartel-style anarchist horror-comedy, a very disgusting social commentary about teen sex and disease and things like that.” Though he was unimpressed with the results, these elements are still present in the final, bloody disgusting product.

The House of the Devil

nan’s in the attic.
sure, we only loves satan.
like, what’s the big deal?

The Roost

it’s set in pop’s shed.
watch out, nan’s a red herring!
bats are kind of cute.

Hellraiser (1987)

Um... he'll also tear apart your entire body.

 

Gurl, your step-mom blows!
She brought back your dead uncle
and fucked with Pinhead. 

Rubik’s Cube from Hell.
Step away from the portal!
AHHHHHH! The Cenobites! 

Lovely party.

 

 

And as if Pinhead and the Cenobites weren’t enough to freak you right out,  Clive Barker decided to throw a reconstituted, skinless, sadomasochistic uncle into the mix. Fun for the whole family! 

Oh, hi. Nightmares forever.

 

 

Masterblaster

Warning: This movie is not about dirty men using tiny women as firearms.

killer needs a theme.
paintball tournament, why not?
oh god, just shoot me.

Major spoilers: This clip shows the big reveal of the film (because you’re totally going to track this movie down and watch it).

This movie is like Discount Stock Character Warehouse: Along with the people featured in the clip (broody biker, italian hitman, black guy, perky cop, prissy bitch, racist hillbillies, mysterious asian, crazy latino) there’s scholarly gent, huffy actor, troubled veteran, cocky rock star, and karate lady (!!).

The twist is needlessly complicated — a killer with a secret connection to the hero kills scores of innocent people in thematic, dramatic ways before coming at the main target directly (like Urban Legend) and a climactic transformation of the villain from mild-mannered civilian to completely off-the-rails sociopath (also like Urban Legend, where Rebecca Gayheart’s hair grows three times its normal size).

Choice quote:
Rowdy redneck: Hey baby, you gonna come to the bar with me?
Prissy bitch: Will they serve Dom Pérignon?
Rowdy redneck: Sheee-it, they’ll serve anybody!

Jennifer’s Body

Agents of Satan,
but with really awesome hair.
Indie music’s hard.

Spell for record deal.
Jennifer is no virgin!
Succubus is born.

Dream Demon

featuring that funny pirate

look! we’re in britain!
two women sucked into dreams,
how dare you, you slut.

awesome dude on fire,
creepy doll in the basement,
new age hippie shit.

one more and kathleen wilhoite aka the voice of pepper ann aka luke’s sister will be a hall of famer!

The Hunger (1983)

Forever... and ever

Susan Sarandon
and vampire transformation.
Dramatic curtains!

Also, check out this sensuous scene between Sarandon and Deneuve (NSFW!!!):