Tag Archives: cover

April Fools (2007)

 

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, now with less Brandy

Scream, but in da hood
and with bad rap sequences.
Slow motion killings.

Just so you know: the killer’s nickname is Poop.

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Halloween II (1981)

damn, michael myers!
just leave jamie lee alone.
syringe into eye.

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A Cinderella Story

updated for teens.
always read your texts out loud.
duff is faux fugly.

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The House of the Devil

nan’s in the attic.
sure, we only loves satan.
like, what’s the big deal?

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Missionary Man

missionary man: loves beating up dudes with garbage cans. co-starring someone who was on one episode of the new melrose place.

ride your motor bike
quote scripture, beat up bad guys
“do” the widow.  yawn.

Seriously, for a movie that had so much going for it, I have no idea how it turned out so terribly.  There were explosions, tequila shots, crooked cops, motorcycles, vengeance and DOLPH LUNDGREN, and still this put me to sleep.  Maybe it was just too cliche ridden to hold my attention.  The highlight by far was this preview:

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS!!!!!!!

boylorne: Dolph Lundgren is a man of many talents. Check this out (and wait for 1:15… AND 1:30):

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Saturn 3 (1980)

 

Sexy robot! Too bad he eats dogs and people.

Addicted to pills.
Farrah, he’s too old for you!
Go for the robot.

Good news, Farrah / shitty sci-fi fans! This movie is available in its entirety on YouTube. Here’s the trailer:

You’d think that this movie would be an exciting, high concept space opera. You’d be wrong. Saturn 3 is just terrible.

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Darkness (2002)

seriously, there is a hellmouth in the middle of your living room. it's got snakes and everything.

strangely aged boyfriend
there’s no larva in the wall
chop those vegetables

this ending of this movie was so scary i had to watch “the room” before i went to bed so that i would not be scared of the dark.    YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!

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Hellraiser (1987)

Um... he'll also tear your body apart.

Um... he'll also tear apart your entire body.

 

Gurl, your step-mom blows!
She brought back your dead uncle
and fucked with Pinhead.
 

Rubik’s Cube from Hell.
Step away from the portal!
AHHHHHH! The Cenobites!
 

Lovely party.

 

 

And as if Pinhead and the Cenobites weren’t enough to freak you right out,  Clive Barker decided to throw a reconstituted, skinless, sadomasochistic uncle into the mix. Fun for the whole family! 

Oh, hi. Nightmares forever.

 

 

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Wing Commander

PHALLIC.

we’re in outer space!
uh, necklaces and boat necks?
not very manly

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The Inheritor (1990)

furry speedo or hairy bird? i do not care, not even your eyebrow could turn me away.

handsome minotaur
seduces uptight co-ed
this movie? pointless

i couldn’t find a trailer, even though this movie was directed by academy award winner brian savegar (he won for set direction…so maybe that is why…), and featured dan “grizzly adams” haggerty. go figure.

here is a link to the minotaur’s website:

http://danielstephen.com/

if you google “the inheritor” in the images section, there is a pretty awesome picture of him in this movie, but it’s got copyrights  all over the place so i don’t know how to deal with it.

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