Tag Archives: fred olen ray

Fred Olen Ray’s Drive-In Theatre

chain link fence sex sexy fred olen ray

Oh hi.

Last year, we had lots to say about Curse of the Vampires (vampire vs. ghost! blackface! candelabras!). Mostly, we were taken in by the DVD’s intro segment, provided by noted B-movie writer/director/producer Fred Olen Ray. Titled “Retromedia Drive-In Theatre”, Ray sets up the film, mostly by making awkward conversation and puns about boners. We finally got around to getting some screencaps. Enjoy!

fred olen ray retromedia 1

HEEEEEEEEY

drive in babes fred olen ray retromedia

bikini babes fred olen ray

Quoth savagebrewtality: "Two butts!"

bikini babes fred olen ray

There's also cork-popping sound effects.

Fred Olen Ray

According to Fred, he's related to a dozen historical figures, from Jesse James, to former First Lady Laura Bush. He also claims to be the 14th cousin of noted lady vampire, Elizabeth Bathory.

In the segment, Ray is accompanied by his sidekick, Miss Kim. As he notes, she has “some big, swingin’ knockers”.  Also, she drinks a soda, seductively (???).

Fred Olen Ray gif

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Witch Academy

Witch Academy fred olen ray

you lecherous beast!
despite all the tits and gore,
couldn’t be gayer

Let’s get this out of the way: there’s no witches. And as for the “Academy” part of the title, the movie DOES take place at a sorority house, but let’s take a look at the actresses who are playing the comely college co-eds…

Fred Olen Ray Witch Academy

Yow. This movie is directed by Fred Olen Ray, a testosterone junkie who tends to fill all available screentime with gore and nudity. This movie’s no different (first appearance of breasts at 00:00:25; first instance of girl-on-girl spanking 00:02:30), but somehow, the result is less Eli Roth and more John Waters. It may have something to do with the fact that the women he hired to be sorority girls were over 35 years old at the time, and all built like wrestlers.

Playing our students older than average, we have sweet but gullible Darla, spoiled rotten leader Wanda, and tough-as-nails Tara. Somehow, this trio seems familiar…

Alternatively, the Golden Girls

We could draw similar parallels to the Golden Girls.

~

Witch Academy
Speaking of familiar, Wanda, with her trampy-vampy styles, reminded us of another leading lady…
hedwig-and-the-angry-inch

~

Soon, the girls are visited by Edith, the head B in charge of the sorority…

~

After three sets of breasts, the above-mentioned spanking, an alien costume, an electric laser defense system (wtf), an exploding telephone boobytrap (wtf wtf), they get around to advancing the plot, which centers on mousy wannabe Leslie vying for entry into the sorority. Let’s watch…
That is some real sub-porn quality acting there. From there, Satan (Robert Vaughn!) shows up, there is a  SEXY TRANSFORMATION, and also monsters.
You said it, Satan!

~

Priscilla Barnes in Witch Academy
Note: You may recognize that Edith is played by Priscilla Barnes, who played the girl who replaced the girl who replaced Suzanne Somers on “Three’s Company”.
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Curse of the Vampires

Curse of the Vampires

filipino vamps
pointy teeth, strange orange hue
hate candelabras


Seriously, you could make a drinking game here where you take shot every time someone throws a candelabra. That kind of high-drama is to be expected… “Curse of the Vampires” is like a Gothic vampire flick mashed-up with a Mexican telenovela. In fact, there’s so much awesome, we have to break it down, bullet-point style:

  • It’s an all-filipino cast playing the inhabitants of a Spanish-American plantation… including the perma-smiling slaves, who are made up in always-hilarious/cringe-inducing blackface.
  • The back of the DVD case reads: “It’s filipino bloodshed at it’s most incestuous!”. This is a relief to all of those that have found their filipino bloodshed to be lacking in the incest department.
  • “Twilight” may have vampire versus werewolf, but “Curse of the Vampires” has something infinitely more awesome: VAMPIRE vs. GHOST! zomg/zomg/zomg!!!

The movie itself was solid gold, but the real highlight here was the intro. The film is a part of the Retromedia Drive-In Theatre series, hosted by Fred Olen Ray. You may remember Ray from such films as “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”, and “Invisible Mom 2”, as well as 24H2M classics “Alienator”, and “Star Slammer”.  Set at the sketchiest drive-in history (featuring nudity in the first 60 seconds; savbrew: “Four boobs… and two butts!”), Ray sets the table for a cinematic trash buffet. We couldn’t help but feel like he made it especially for us.

“big, swingin’ hooters!”
boobs, puns, ridiculousness…
high-five to your brain!

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Alienator

brutally ugly
genetic mutant bastard,
like lady gaga

OK, there’s much to discuss. First, it stars Jan-Michael Vincent (“Airwolf”, y’all!). Second, it’s directed by Fred Olen Ray, who directed Star Slammer, 13 Erotic Ghosts, and Invisible Mom 2.  He also created gay vampire dramas “Dante’s Cove” and “The Lair” (mystyron = #1 fan).

The first 45 minutes of “Alienator” had us reaching for the FFWD button. I mean, there were some high points, including everything being perfectly reasonable:

Business casual, in space.

…but it was otherwise a lot of glaring and glowering about a space prison. In short, a notorious space criminal (we can tell he’s a space criminal because he has a silver ski vest and matching headband) makes it to Earth, and holes up with some unsuspecting Earthlings in a cabin in the woods. We were mere SECONDS from hitting the Eject button when this vision of love made her first appearance:

I know, right?

Looking like a late-era He-Man action figure, here comes ALIENATOR.

Alienator, or Ziggy Stardust crossed with an auto parts store.

By the way, the tagline for the movie is: “In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman”.

The metal underpants? The thighs the size of stout German children? It's all too much to bear.

So, who is Alienator? Musclelady Teagan Clive, who is taking up space in the back of your brain as the bodybuilder in David Lee Roth’s video for “California Girls”. There’s not much on her imdb page, except for her biography, which is composed of one sentence. Please, meditate on this:

She made headlines when she showed up for a bodybuilding competition that had been canceled without her realizing it until after she entered the arena.

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Star Slammer (1987)

Star Slammer: The Escape

chicks in chains, in space,
all dressed like pat benatar.
pure insanity.

I want to mention that the three previous videos were put on YouTube by a guy whose YouTube channel consists of 78 videos of women being knocked unconscious. Needless to say, we’re a little freaked out.

This last video is ours. It’s terrible quality, but you’ll get the idea:

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