Burlesque (2010)

"WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL MY LIFE"

welcome to burlesque
your leg is cher’s microphone
glitter bras for all

cher and a crow bar
beat the windows out ya car
lame drama ballad

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

"Who would want to be with a singer-songwriter who hasn't hit the big time? ... Do you want some couscous?"

sluttiness abounds
and so do gay one-liners
yay, stabbed by drag queen!

Here’s the “sexy version” of the trailer:

And here’s a fun little scene:

So it turns out that above crazy lady was actually gang-banged by a large group of Republicans and gave birth to a teenage zombie boy.

 

Someone’s Knocking at the Door (2009)

Hallucinations
Starring cheap Keanu Reeves.
So much dicky-bird.

This “grind-house throwback” was actually pretty disturbing, especially because of the intense scenes of equal opportunity rape and slaughter. Luckily, it was all just a dream!

Dark Town (2004)

i'm still shocked that boylorne bought this at a yard sale from a grandma.

Compton has vampires
stay away from dad’s thermos
it’s a lost boys trick!

for the best part of this movie, go about 30 seconds into this clip:

New Best Friend (2002)

rachel true, who are you trying to kid?

dawson’s creek’s andie
mia kirshner is a mess
dominique swain’s gay

other highlights:  college “kids” behaving badly because “hey!  it’s college!”,  people run around in desperate need of a bra, and oliver hudson raps.  it’s as awful as you think it is.

Prey for Rock and Roll

new york times loved this.
just paint my belly baby.
marc blucas says “fuck”.

The Convent (2000)

 

NO MEANS NO!

gothic sacrifice
twitchy demons in black light?
mom’s gonna be pissed!

Unwatchable: Boat Trip

Here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, it is our ongoing mission to raise awareness of bad movies. However, every once in a while, there is a movie so maddening, so insanely bad, that we have to hit the eject button on our long-suffering VCR before we lose all grip on reality.

One such film: Boat Trip, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz. They sign up for a cruise, only to find out it’s a gay cruise for gays!

No gays here!

Direction of this trainwreck is courtesy of writer Mort Nathan — a man who’s greatest contribution to the world has been penning the lyrics to the “Miami” song from that one episode of “Golden Girls”.

Mort Nathan’s co-writer here is William Bigelow– a man who’s only previous writing credit on a film is “Frozen with Fear”. FYI – It’s tag line is: “She hides behind a door of steel. He hides behind an emotional wall. Can their passion set them free?”. Indeed!

So, Cuba ends up in drag. Horatio is tricked into thinking he’s gay.
They both find a new best friend in a gay, and the gay teaches them that gay people aren’t what they think. Horatio Sanz accidentally shoots down a helicopter full of Swedish bikini models (including former Maxim covergirl, Victoria Silvstedt), who land on the boat. Thank the lord, they’ve won’t catch gay after all! Heterosexuality is saved!

Can’t watch. Won’t watch.
Boat Trip = UNWATCHABLE.

Gigli

It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble.

here, j-lo plays gay
converted by ben affleck:
matt damon’s true love