Tag Archives: photo by us

boylorne bought some cool tapes

On a recent return trip to the greatest depository of VHS on the Eastern seaboard, I picked up sixteen choice films for reviewing/merry-making. Now, they have a new home on my so-good Wal-Mart particle board bookcase.

VHS tapes on a bookshelf

Classing up the place.

Before they were ready to display, the tapes had to be taken out of their hard plastic VHS cases (more on that later), while the cardboard movie boxes were shucked from their plastic dust jackets. The display boxes had spent the past twenty plus years on the shelf, soaking up the sunlight and carbon dioxide produced by local mouthbreathers.

Personally, I think they look like they're made of the the ectoplasm from "A Haunting in Connecticut"

Personally, I think it looks like it's made of the ectoplasm from "A Haunting in Connecticut".

Meanwhile, the tapes themselves were out in the cool, dark storage room, like so many polypropylene sarcophagi.

vhs cases

Left: A stack of VHS cases. Right: A shapely leg.

This leaves me to question: What am I going to do with these VHS cases? They don’t seem to be recyclable. I suppose I could go to craftster.org, and find out how to make some sort of re-purposed jewellery box? Or perhaps a twee endtable to sell on Etsy? Suggestions are welcome.

Edit: The films are Blown Away, Programmed to Kill, Trancers 3, Siesta, April Fool’s Day, Lady Dragon 2, Tiger Claws 2, Who is Cletus Tout?, Brenda Starr, Never Too Young to Die, Alien Intruder, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Deadlock, Prayer of the Rollerboys, and Commando Squad.

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The Crow: Wicked Prayer

crow-wicked-prayer-poster

walk slow as house burns
and look like a sad lady.
re-apply lipstick

Ohhh… so many problems with this one. Here’s a few highlights:

  • the theatrical debut of the UFC’s Tito Ortiz.
  • a cameo by Macy Gray.
  • Dennis Hopper in a complete WTF performance as a jive-talkin’ pimp/cult leader. Not even he can deliver a stinker of a line like “I now pronounce you devil and his shorty!”

On the upside, it’s got Danny Trejo (MACHETE!) and our best girl, Tara Reid!

I thought the biggest problem was Edward Furlong, who ends up looking more than a little effeminate after he takes a Sharpie to his face. The look he’s going for is “grim spectre of death” but it’s more like “bay goth teen who took a Sharpie to his face while watching the first Crow movie in their room on VHS”.

the crow edward furlong

Evanescence's webmaster.

Personally, Edward Furlong as The Crow reminded me of those Living Dead Dolls from Hot Topic:

24 Hours to Midnight The Blog crow

Basically the same.

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Witch Academy

Witch Academy fred olen ray

you lecherous beast!
despite all the tits and gore,
couldn’t be gayer

Let’s get this out of the way: there’s no witches. And as for the “Academy” part of the title, the movie DOES take place at a sorority house, but let’s take a look at the actresses who are playing the comely college co-eds…

Fred Olen Ray Witch Academy

Yow. This movie is directed by Fred Olen Ray, a testosterone junkie who tends to fill all available screentime with gore and nudity. This movie’s no different (first appearance of breasts at 00:00:25; first instance of girl-on-girl spanking 00:02:30), but somehow, the result is less Eli Roth and more John Waters. It may have something to do with the fact that the women he hired to be sorority girls were over 35 years old at the time, and all built like wrestlers.

Playing our students older than average, we have sweet but gullible Darla, spoiled rotten leader Wanda, and tough-as-nails Tara. Somehow, this trio seems familiar…

Alternatively, the Golden Girls

We could draw similar parallels to the Golden Girls.

~

Witch Academy
Speaking of familiar, Wanda, with her trampy-vampy styles, reminded us of another leading lady…
hedwig-and-the-angry-inch

~

Soon, the girls are visited by Edith, the head B in charge of the sorority…

~

After three sets of breasts, the above-mentioned spanking, an alien costume, an electric laser defense system (wtf), an exploding telephone boobytrap (wtf wtf), they get around to advancing the plot, which centers on mousy wannabe Leslie vying for entry into the sorority. Let’s watch…
That is some real sub-porn quality acting there. From there, Satan (Robert Vaughn!) shows up, there is a  SEXY TRANSFORMATION, and also monsters.
You said it, Satan!

~

Priscilla Barnes in Witch Academy
Note: You may recognize that Edith is played by Priscilla Barnes, who played the girl who replaced the girl who replaced Suzanne Somers on “Three’s Company”.
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The Inheritor (1990)

furry speedo or hairy bird? i do not care, not even your eyebrow could turn me away.

handsome minotaur
seduces uptight co-ed
this movie? pointless

i couldn’t find a trailer, even though this movie was directed by academy award winner brian savegar (he won for set direction…so maybe that is why…), and featured dan “grizzly adams” haggerty. go figure.

here is a link to the minotaur’s website:

http://danielstephen.com/

if you google “the inheritor” in the images section, there is a pretty awesome picture of him in this movie, but it’s got copyrights  all over the place so i don’t know how to deal with it.

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Night Vision

Night Vision 1987 movie poster

There is nothing remotely sexy in this movie.

Haunted VCR?
What could be better for our staff?
Just the tape’s haunted.

Possession? Why yes.
But the most disturbing part?
Awkward intercourse.

No movie trailer – quelle surprise! However, we did dig up the “Mind Killers”, another  film by Michael Krueger, the director. It’s available in full on YouTube. Warning: it’s dull as dishwater.

“Night Vision” is not completely scare-free. This photo was taken at the only moment in the movie that made the four of us scream in terror:

NEEDLESS.

AAAAAAAAGH!!

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Python 2

Python 2

"Python 2": Keep it at arms length. Serve with alcohol.

big fake-looking snake.
it eats generic soldiers.
what did you expect?

WHOAAA

Reacting to a snake that looks like it came out of a SNES game.

Vixen!

She's a sultry maid.

Troubled!

She's a cross-eyed vixen.

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