Someone’s Knocking at the Door (2009)

Hallucinations
Starring cheap Keanu Reeves.
So much dicky-bird.

This “grind-house throwback” was actually pretty disturbing, especially because of the intense scenes of equal opportunity rape and slaughter. Luckily, it was all just a dream!

Shadow Hours (2000)

Made in 2000, yet painfully '90s.

Fast-forward when bored
to club scenes with sexiness.
Hell? Satan? Nowhere.

Rebecca Gayheart
we loved it when you harped on
Balthazar Getty

AND NOW another thrilling edition of CELL PHONE CAMERA THEATRE:

We watched this exchange about a half dozen times. It gets better with repeat viewings.

A break, Michael? Don’t lie to me.

Witchcraft IV

Do not be deceived.
There’s very little witchcraft.
Vicki Gabereau.

Sorry, no trailers available.

Cujo

Sorry, Stephen King. St. Bernard's aren't scary like they were in the 80's.

This was not scary
But the dog was really cute.
Despite the rabies.

But, seriously…
Come on! Your dog has rabies.
Just calm the fuck down.

UPDATE

This was so scary!!!
Naturalie fell asleep.
You don’t have the right!

First Born

Do not be deceived by the scary-looking dvd case.

We’ve been had again!
Now, by Elizabeth Shue.
It’s just post partum.

Bug

Imaginary bugs are not scary.

Ashley Judd is a
super-mother-bug. What the
hell is Morgellon?

Bonus haiku:

This wasn’t scary.
Oh, it’s about a disease.
Fuck you, Ashley Judd.