Witch Academy

you lecherous beast!
despite all the tits and gore,
couldn’t be gayer

Let’s get this out of the way: there’s no witches. And as for the “Academy” part of the title, the movie DOES take place at a sorority house, but let’s take a look at the actresses who are playing the comely college co-eds…

Yow. This movie is directed by Fred Olen Ray, a testosterone junkie who tends to fill all available screentime with gore and nudity. This movie’s no different (first appearance of breasts at 00:00:25; first instance of girl-on-girl spanking 00:02:30), but somehow, the result is less Eli Roth and more John Waters. It may have something to do with the fact that the women he hired to be sorority girls were over 35 years old at the time, and all built like wrestlers.

Playing our students older than average, we have sweet but gullible Darla, spoiled rotten leader Wanda, and tough-as-nails Tara. Somehow, this trio seems familiar…

We could draw similar parallels to the Golden Girls.

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Speaking of familiar, Wanda, with her trampy-vampy styles, reminded us of another leading lady…

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Soon, the girls are visited by Edith, the head B in charge of the sorority…

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After three sets of breasts, the above-mentioned spanking, an alien costume, an electric laser defense system (wtf), an exploding telephone boobytrap (wtf wtf), they get around to advancing the plot, which centers on mousy wannabe Leslie vying for entry into the sorority. Let’s watch…

That is some real sub-porn quality acting there. From there, Satan (Robert Vaughn!) shows up, there is a  SEXY TRANSFORMATION, and also monsters.

You said it, Satan!

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Note: You may recognize that Edith is played by Priscilla Barnes, who played the girl who replaced the girl who replaced Suzanne Somers on “Three’s Company”.