Tag Archives: shirt ripped open

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

"Who would want to be with a singer-songwriter who hasn't hit the big time? ... Do you want some couscous?"

sluttiness abounds
and so do gay one-liners
yay, stabbed by drag queen!

Here’s the “sexy version” of the trailer:

And here’s a fun little scene:

So it turns out that above crazy lady was actually gang-banged by a large group of Republicans and gave birth to a teenage zombie boy.

 

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Someone’s Knocking at the Door (2009)

Hallucinations
Starring cheap Keanu Reeves
.
So much dicky-bird.

This “grind-house throwback” was actually pretty disturbing, especially because of the intense scenes of equal opportunity rape and slaughter. Luckily, it was all just a dream!

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The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak


gwendoline

someone save tawny
she’s bound and helpless again
fourteenth time today

Note: Watch the trailer at 0:20 seconds. Tawny gets nailed in the the face with a chunk of wood. Pretty funny.

For starters, the movie is based on the works of one John Willie, fetish photographer and bondage artist. His favourite subject was Gwendoline, your basic damsel-in-distress, who would get tied up by the evil queen (more on her later) until she was saved by (sigh) Secret Agent u-69.

So, the movie. It starts like an Indiana Jones knock-off (because it is) plus heaps of exposition explaining the importance of some exotic butterfly. We meet the swarthy hero who may just backhand his unwanted lady tag-along (Tawny Kitaen) at any minute. They face a variety of obstacles (Orientals! African savages!) but then, two-thirds of the way through the movie, the heroes come up a lost city of Amazons, and Tawny Kitaen ends up decked out in sweet gauntlets.

Tawny Kitaen Gwendoline

Some people prefer Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video. Others prefer her in this ludicrous battle armor.

Then, there’s this. Skip to 1:40 to cut to the chase (literally):

After the TOTALLY EMPOWERING scene of ladies pulling chariots like horses, there’s a sweet fight scene. All the ladies are wearing leather thongs, so consider it NSFW.

We have to mention this scene, where virginal Gwendoline gets a lesson in love in this “phone sex without the phone” scene between Tawny Kitaen and Brent Huff. How long can you go without wretching?

Sidenote: The name of the actress that joins them at the end is Zabou. Just Zabou. One name. Like Yanni.

What else? Oh yeah, the Queen. She’s like a sado-masochistic Toad, wrapped in a sleeping bag. Pretty good.

gwendoline queen

The Queen, guarded by her clone army of samurai Grace Jones'.

tawny kitaen sex scene

Also, this happened.

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TNT Jackson

jimrugg's TNT Jackson www.flickr.com/photos/jimrugg/

bitch, she’s T-N-T
and she fights like she makes love:
naked, but lights off

Quotable quote #1:
TNT Jackson: [turning off the lights in preparation for a fight] You want it black? You got it black!

Most of my favourite scenes involved Elaine, a (white) lady that is somehow involved with the men TNT is after. TNT doesn’t really think much of her — she calls her a bitch, calls her fat, she leaves her to be raped — you know how catty girls can be. Please excuse the language, but this is a pretty good example of a typical TNT/Elaine exchange:

Elaine: First of all, I’m not what you think I am.
TNT Jackson: I know. You’re a Girl Scout working on your badge for the equality of niggers.
Elaine: I’m a government agent.
TNT Jackson: Oh yeah? Well, I’m Snow White suffering from a sunburn.

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Star Slammer (1987)

Star Slammer: The Escape

chicks in chains, in space,
all dressed like pat benatar.
pure insanity.

I want to mention that the three previous videos were put on YouTube by a guy whose YouTube channel consists of 78 videos of women being knocked unconscious. Needless to say, we’re a little freaked out.

This last video is ours. It’s terrible quality, but you’ll get the idea:

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Terror in Paradise

"Oh, the terror is causing me to clutch this tiny towel even closer to my bare flesh!"

"Oh, the terror is causing me to clutch this tiny towel even closer to my bare flesh!"

terrorists beware.
they’re going to stop you somehow.
horny tennis pros.

Quotable quote #1
Terrorist (upon spotting our heroes): It’s some young stud, and a broad with the hots.

Quotable quote #2
Hero: What happened to you?
Heroine: They raped me.
Hero: I’LL KILL THEM!
Heroine: I already did.
Hero: I want you to always be part of my life.

Quotable quote #3:
Token black terrorist on squad of multicultural terrorists: Don’t jazz me!

Best scene:
Before the finale, one terrorist, in memory of his fallen terrorist pals, sheds a single tear.

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Angelfist

"If Looks Could Kill, They Wouldn't Need To Kick."

"If Looks Could Kill, They Wouldn't Need To Kick."

want to fight some crime?
join these lady kickboxers;
shower frequently.

when not fighting nude,
all of the girls wear spandex.
it’s leotarded.

Fast Fact #1: Angelfist was directed by Cirio H. Santiago, director of TNT Jackson!
Fast Fact #2: Angelfist stars Catya Sassoon, daughter of Vidal Sassoon!

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