April Fools (2007)

 

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, now with less Brandy

Scream, but in da hood
and with bad rap sequences.
Slow motion killings.

Just so you know: the killer’s nickname is Poop.

Zardoz

 

orange diapers

erection studies,
not as sexy as you’d think.
dicky bird covers.

poor sean connery!
what have they done to james bond?
wear a wedding dress.

 

Wear a wedding dress, indeed.

 

Who wore it better?

photocredit: here

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

"Who would want to be with a singer-songwriter who hasn't hit the big time? ... Do you want some couscous?"

sluttiness abounds
and so do gay one-liners
yay, stabbed by drag queen!

Here’s the “sexy version” of the trailer:

And here’s a fun little scene:

So it turns out that above crazy lady was actually gang-banged by a large group of Republicans and gave birth to a teenage zombie boy.

 

Someone’s Knocking at the Door (2009)

Hallucinations
Starring cheap Keanu Reeves.
So much dicky-bird.

This “grind-house throwback” was actually pretty disturbing, especially because of the intense scenes of equal opportunity rape and slaughter. Luckily, it was all just a dream!

Troll 2

 

If only there were trolls in this movie

 

corn on the cob slut
vegetarian goblins
baloney sandwich!

Willy Wilson recommends: Dark Paradox (2007)

Friend of us Willy Wilson knows that we love secret cults, Canadian horror, portals, and all things Lovecraftian. She recommended “Dark Paradox” (2007), since it exists in the centre of a Venn diagram containing those four things. Enjoy!

As far as we can tell, Victoria, British Columbia, isn’t the Satanic capital of North America… though, it IS the Cycling Capital of Canada. Perhaps the hundreds of kilometers of bike paths form a colossal pentagram. I guess we’ll find out when the city gets sucked into the gaping maw of Hell.

Salt (2010)

 

Would you like some fat, pouty lips with your salt?

Typical Jolie:
shoot some guns and give some ‘tude;
ridiculous clothes.

At least the role didn’t go to Tom Cruise, as was originally intended – though imagine him sporting this rather fetching look:

Jolie: so Russian

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Summer vacation ideas.

It’s so romantic.
Connected butthole to mouth;
Pooping back and forth.

WARNING: Once you watch this, you cannot unwatch it:

And for those special loved ones in your life, Etsy has some flossy accessories: http://www.etsy.com/listing/48710700/the-human-centipede-necklace

For those lonely nights, there’s also the video game: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/human-centipede-game/

Happy news! 2011’s planned sequel has been described by auteur Tom Six as making the first one look like My Little Pony in comparison.

Seriously though, this movie made me really sad.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Chock full of teen stereotypes!

pervy gardener!
don’t fall to sleep or you’ll die
give the kids their speed!

teen stereotypes
what is this, the breakfast club?
death is pretty harsh

A Cinderella Story

updated for teens.
always read your texts out loud.
duff is faux fugly.