Here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, it is our ongoing mission to raise awareness of bad movies. However, every once in a while, there is a movie so maddening, so insanely bad, that we have to hit the eject button on our long-suffering VCR before we lose all grip on reality.
One such film: Boat Trip, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz. They sign up for a cruise, only to find out it’s a gay cruise for gays!
Direction of this trainwreck is courtesy of writer Mort Nathan — a man who’s greatest contribution to the world has been penning the lyrics to the “Miami” song from that one episode of “Golden Girls”.
Mort Nathan’s co-writer here is William Bigelow– a man who’s only previous writing credit on a film is “Frozen with Fear”. FYI – It’s tag line is: “She hides behind a door of steel. He hides behind an emotional wall. Can their passion set them free?”. Indeed!
So, Cuba ends up in drag. Horatio is tricked into thinking he’s gay.
They both find a new best friend in a gay, and the gay teaches them that gay people aren’t what they think. Horatio Sanz accidentally shoots down a helicopter full of Swedish bikini models (including former Maxim covergirl, Victoria Silvstedt), who land on the boat. Thank the lord, they’ve won’t catch gay after all! Heterosexuality is saved!
Can’t watch. Won’t watch.
Boat Trip = UNWATCHABLE.
Here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, it is our ongoing mission to raise awareness of bad movies (or “Cinéma décharge” – cinema of the dumpster). However, every once in a while, there is a movie so odious, so toxically bad, that we have to hit the eject button on our long-suffering VCR for fear of creating a great sucking void of horribleness.
Once such film is “Gigli” – rhymes with “really” – synonymous with “terrible film”. Unlike previous “Unwatchable” entry, “Battlefield: Earth”, “Gigli” wasn’t destined to be bad. It had a competent writer/director (“Scent of a Woman”‘s Martin Brest) and a script that veered away from romantic comedy and toward the dark and violent. However, things went awry when Brest decided to bank on the tabloid frenzy surrounding stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. The grim, introspective elements of the film were jettisoned to make room for the romantic comedy plot, plus some big-time laffs at the retarded brother. I’ll let the synopsis do the talking:
Larry Gigli (Affleck), a lowly hitman, is assigned a job by the mob to kidnap a mentally retarded brother of a district attorney. Gigli abducts the brother from his mental hospital and holds him hostage in his apartment. Ricki (Lopez), a lesbian assassin, is sent to oversee Gigli’s job and make sure he doesn’t screw it up. Hi-jinx ensue as the two go on the lam and fall in love.
In love? It’s a full-on conversion! J-Lo turns ex-gay.
With an offensive script, poor directorial choices, and super-hammy acting by decent actors (Al Pacino, Christopher Walken), “Gigli” = UNWATCHABLE.
We watch a lot of bad movies – this much should be obvious to you now, dear reader. Where most people barely tolerate the movies we watch, we pushed through “tolerance”, right through into “addiction” – to the point where we actively seek out titles that are sure to leave us shell-shocked from dire dialogue, phony sets, obvious twists, and hammy acting.
However, every now and then, a film comes along that is so wretched, so gawd-awful, that we have to eject the offending VHS tape from the VCR like so much vomit after one too many Faxe. (Editor’s note: One Faxe is one too many Faxe).
One such film is “Battlefield Earth”. After purchasing it for $1.16 (we got it at a flea market – Three movies for $5… but we only had $3.48), we settled in to watch what many people have described as the worst movie ever.
We got about 20 minutes in, which is before the scene where the caveman from the future finds the Declaration of Independence and blows up Alien John Travolta with a fighter jet that he found.
0:30 seconds in is when the real magic begins. Tremendous acting talent!
Battlefield Earth = UNWATCHABLE.