Tag Archives: vampires

Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

THE GREATEST TERRIBLE SEQUEL OF ALL TIME. I LOVE THIS MOVIE. I HAVE BAD TASTE.

lame raver vampires
the frog brothers last hurrah?
cry little sister

ok, so the lost boys is pretty much my favorite movie of all time, and i know this looks terrible, but it is surprisingly enjoyable. cory feldman always is amazing as edgar frog, and this movie is full of really good one liners, really hilarious weapons, and tonnes of flashbacks and references to the original movie. also, a touching tribute to sam emerson/corey haim. the raver storyline was a bit dated, but what can you do? also, on the bonus features on the dvd, there is something called “the art of seduction: vampire lore.” i decided that it was too amazing to watch by myself, so maybe we’ll do a review of that in the future.

what's your childhood trauma?

unfortunately, there was none of this:

but there was lots of this:

only hilarious. there was no music video like on the tribe, and i can’t track down that one. IF IT AIN’T BROKE DON’T FIX IT.

also, apparently they killed the head vampire this time, and as you know if you kill the head vampire all half vampires are turned back into regular people.  there was a bit of werewolf drama at the end of this one, so my fingers are crossed for a fourth chapter.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

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Fright Night (1985)

being a vampire gives you ladyhands.

hey, you little snoop
what is outside your window?
a coffin cockblock

apparently they’re filming a re-make of this starring colin farrell as the vampire, with christopher mintz-plasse (mclovin!) and david tennant in the other starring roles. my mind is blown.

woah.

DON’T FUCK IT UP.

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Dark Town (2004)

i'm still shocked that boylorne bought this at a yard sale from a grandma.

Compton has vampires
stay away from dad’s thermos
it’s a lost boys trick!

for the best part of this movie, go about 30 seconds into this clip:

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New Moon

an assault on the senses.

edward cullen’s back
what a fucking dickburger
NO GLITTERDICK! NOOOOOOO!


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Daybreakers

bare-backing a 5 dollar whore

an allegory
humans! hot commodity!
best part? mutant vamps

in this movie, most of the earth’s population have been changed into vampires, and are now in high demand. big business has taken over the blood industry, and supplies are running out. this can been seen as a heavy-handed allegory for about a million different things (natural resources in general, medical research, etc.), or you can go in and see an awesome movie about vampires and mutant vampires and blood and gore. which is what i did, so i really enjoyed it. it also kind of answers the real-life question of why vampires can not really exist, which i thought was pretty neat as well. there’s also a really ridiculous vampire reversal process, and near the end, ethan hawke dresses like han solo and it’s pretty amazing.

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Vamp (1986)

do not get the single man's special.

albino gangland
grace jones; the weirdest stripper
she flips us the bird

grace jones as erotic dancer: hot business? i was kind of traumatized, so you be the judge.

also, there is an incredible bromance in this movie.  one frat guy turned vampire tells his best pal to stab him with a table leg.  it turns out to be formica, making it possible for vamp frat guy to come back and save them all at the end.  best bros 4 life y’all.  gedde watanabe is pretty incredible in this as well, even though he goes missing for like half the film.  apparently he was just watching strippers and getting drunk, but still……

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Blacula

Blacula

Not pictured: Chinese Wolfman

jive nosferatu
he’s here to take your women
honky dracula


Blacula vs. a pair of fancy gentlemen. Child, be still!

Gordon Pinsent in Blacula

He's not taking any of your shit, detective.

CANADIAN CONTENT ALERT! Playing the hard-nosed Lt. Jack Peters, its national treasure Gordon Pinsent.

THIS JUST IN! Gordon Pinsent is the voice of King Babar.

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Curse of the Vampires

Curse of the Vampires

filipino vamps
pointy teeth, strange orange hue
hate candelabras


Seriously, you could make a drinking game here where you take shot every time someone throws a candelabra. That kind of high-drama is to be expected… “Curse of the Vampires” is like a Gothic vampire flick mashed-up with a Mexican telenovela. In fact, there’s so much awesome, we have to break it down, bullet-point style:

  • It’s an all-filipino cast playing the inhabitants of a Spanish-American plantation… including the perma-smiling slaves, who are made up in always-hilarious/cringe-inducing blackface.
  • The back of the DVD case reads: “It’s filipino bloodshed at it’s most incestuous!”. This is a relief to all of those that have found their filipino bloodshed to be lacking in the incest department.
  • “Twilight” may have vampire versus werewolf, but “Curse of the Vampires” has something infinitely more awesome: VAMPIRE vs. GHOST! zomg/zomg/zomg!!!

The movie itself was solid gold, but the real highlight here was the intro. The film is a part of the Retromedia Drive-In Theatre series, hosted by Fred Olen Ray. You may remember Ray from such films as “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”, and “Invisible Mom 2”, as well as 24H2M classics “Alienator”, and “Star Slammer”.  Set at the sketchiest drive-in history (featuring nudity in the first 60 seconds; savbrew: “Four boobs… and two butts!”), Ray sets the table for a cinematic trash buffet. We couldn’t help but feel like he made it especially for us.

“big, swingin’ hooters!”
boobs, puns, ridiculousness…
high-five to your brain!

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The Forsaken

 

STARS OF THE WB UNITE!

STARS OF THE WB UNITE!

teen stars and vampires
an allegory for AIDS?
i miss the 90s.

Everyone is in this movie, even Simon Rex!

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