Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)

nothing says "christmas" like one piece of garland taped to the wall

santa clauses die!
everyone’s eyes are smiling
what a crappy gift

clearly our new year’s resolution was not to update the blog more frequently!

Zardoz

 

orange diapers

erection studies,
not as sexy as you’d think.
dicky bird covers.

poor sean connery!
what have they done to james bond?
wear a wedding dress.

 

Wear a wedding dress, indeed.

 

Who wore it better?

photocredit: here

Troll 2

 

If only there were trolls in this movie

 

corn on the cob slut
vegetarian goblins
baloney sandwich!

The Stuff (1985)

what the fuck is in activia?

marshmallow cocaine
agent rutherford’s new job?
“ice cream saboteur”

boylorne bought some cool tapes

On a recent return trip to the greatest depository of VHS on the Eastern seaboard, I picked up sixteen choice films for reviewing/merry-making. Now, they have a new home on my so-good Wal-Mart particle board bookcase.

Classing up the place.

Before they were ready to display, the tapes had to be taken out of their hard plastic VHS cases (more on that later), while the cardboard movie boxes were shucked from their plastic dust jackets. The display boxes had spent the past twenty plus years on the shelf, soaking up the sunlight and carbon dioxide produced by local mouthbreathers.

Personally, I think it looks like it's made of the ectoplasm from "A Haunting in Connecticut".

Meanwhile, the tapes themselves were out in the cool, dark storage room, like so many polypropylene sarcophagi.

Left: A stack of VHS cases. Right: A shapely leg.

This leaves me to question: What am I going to do with these VHS cases? They don’t seem to be recyclable. I suppose I could go to craftster.org, and find out how to make some sort of re-purposed jewellery box? Or perhaps a twee endtable to sell on Etsy? Suggestions are welcome.

Edit: The films are Blown Away, Programmed to Kill, Trancers 3, Siesta, April Fool’s Day, Lady Dragon 2, Tiger Claws 2, Who is Cletus Tout?, Brenda Starr, Never Too Young to Die, Alien Intruder, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Deadlock, Prayer of the Rollerboys, and Commando Squad.

Wing Commander

PHALLIC.

we’re in outer space!
uh, necklaces and boat necks?
not very manly

Red Surf

GENE SIMMONS

hunky george clooney
guns n’roses belly top
cocaine blow job

This was an early 90’s surfer flick featuring a roseanne-era clooney, michelle pfeiffer’s little sister dedee, and gene simmons.  i’m pretty sure it’s about some sort of set-up involving a drug deal, and then revenge, but i sort of stopped paying a lot of attention to the plot.  my either way, it’s an entertaining movie to watch at least once, if only for the drug addled bromance of atilla and remar.

The Craft

Light as a feather, stiff as a board x like 100,000,000

teen girls have powers
repeat things ad nauseum
and throw hissy fits

[news] House of the Devil VHS release

The 2009 horror-thriller The House of the Devil is coming to DVD and Blu-ray on February 2, 2010, and the promo item is the heights of awesome ridiculousness.

Photo credit: http://www.dreadcentral.com

Check out the for-real VHS release of the film, complete with never-fit-on-your-shelf-properly clamshell case. Along with the pitch-perfect art, we think it was taken directly from the Eighties, most likely through the use of portals.

Silent Night, Deadly Night

PUNISH!!!

santa raped his mom
boy forced to wear santa suit
uh, can you blame him?