Tag Archives: video by us

Goth (2003)

GOTH IS DANGEROUS

what are we watching?
sick day, drunk by 5 p.m.
drinking mojitos 

It’s on Netflix, y’all!

BONUS: 24H2Midnight Drinking Game: Take a drink every time someone says “goth”. Considering the movie is about two goths go to a goth club to listen to goth music and meet another goth (named Goth), who constantly talks about the true meaning of goth, you will be a mess.

Our male lead, Dave Stann, is the current champ of our ongoing series, “Actors That Totally Wrote Their Own IMDB Bio”. Choice cuts include the following: “Equally at home playing attention deficit disorder-riddled cyberpunks as he is embracing the more intense demands of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Dave always seeks out the more unconventional and extreme roles. Note: If by “equally known” he means “not known at all”, then he’s right. He goes on:
“A member of MENSA (but too cool to hang out with those brainiacs)” and “the right combination of acting ability, intelligence, and a trademark spark of in-your-face attitude”. It’s pretty likely that ol’ Hollywood Dave (his “alter ego”) has a Google Alert set up for any mentions of his name. Hi Dave! You’re still probably more famous than us!

Unrelated (but relevant) YouTube video:

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The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

"Who would want to be with a singer-songwriter who hasn't hit the big time? ... Do you want some couscous?"

sluttiness abounds
and so do gay one-liners
yay, stabbed by drag queen!

Here’s the “sexy version” of the trailer:

And here’s a fun little scene:

So it turns out that above crazy lady was actually gang-banged by a large group of Republicans and gave birth to a teenage zombie boy.

 

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Deadly Illusion (1987)

deadly illusion

an epic battle
moustache of truth and justice
shoulderpads of sin

OK, so who IS this tongue-flicking lovely? It’s Vanity (aka Denise Matthews, a former Prince protégé), playing the role of Billy Dee Williams’ cab-drivin’, sass-talkin’ girlfriend. Here is some essential Vanity knowledge:

  • Prince chose her to be the lead in an all-girl group that would perform in lingerie and sing sensual songs with sexually-charged lyrics (“Nasty Girl”, “Sex Shooter”, “Wet Dream”, etc.)
  • Prince wanted to re-name her “Vagina” (pronounced “Va-Geena”). She was not fussy.
  • He settled on the the name “Vanity” and the group became “Vanity 6” (though he wanted to name them “The Hookers”).
  • Why is the group named “Vanity 6” when there are only three members? It’s their total number of breasts.
  • Eventually, things went sour, and Prince dropped Vanity from the group, and replaced her with Appolonia, and renamed the group “Appolonia 6”.
  • Like most former Prince protégés, she’s now an evangelical preacher.

And now, you really need to watch this. We have… about 400 times:

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Join us on the couch.

Ever wonder what it’s like to watch a movie with the 24H2M crew? It’s a lot like this:

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Seduced By Evil (1994)

Seduced by cartoon Suzanne Somers

 Sporting Southwest styles,
Somers faces crow brujo
and morphs into wolf.
 

 

Right?? It doesn’t get much better, gentle viewer. Or does it? Let’s watch: 

 

You have to admit, Somers is one of those actors who presents a really serious performance. Can’t you just feel the psychic vibes on the wind? Well, I guess she had some guidance from sassy spiritual advisor Julie Carmen–actress, psychotherapist, yoga instructor and friend of Suzanne Somers–pictured here with the author of the original book, Jann Arrington Wolcott:

Seduced by lesbigays

 

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Saturn 3 (1980)

 

Sexy robot! Too bad he eats dogs and people.

Addicted to pills.
Farrah, he’s too old for you!
Go for the robot.

Good news, Farrah / shitty sci-fi fans! This movie is available in its entirety on YouTube. Here’s the trailer:

You’d think that this movie would be an exciting, high concept space opera. You’d be wrong. Saturn 3 is just terrible.

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Witch Academy

Witch Academy fred olen ray

you lecherous beast!
despite all the tits and gore,
couldn’t be gayer

Let’s get this out of the way: there’s no witches. And as for the “Academy” part of the title, the movie DOES take place at a sorority house, but let’s take a look at the actresses who are playing the comely college co-eds…

Fred Olen Ray Witch Academy

Yow. This movie is directed by Fred Olen Ray, a testosterone junkie who tends to fill all available screentime with gore and nudity. This movie’s no different (first appearance of breasts at 00:00:25; first instance of girl-on-girl spanking 00:02:30), but somehow, the result is less Eli Roth and more John Waters. It may have something to do with the fact that the women he hired to be sorority girls were over 35 years old at the time, and all built like wrestlers.

Playing our students older than average, we have sweet but gullible Darla, spoiled rotten leader Wanda, and tough-as-nails Tara. Somehow, this trio seems familiar…

Alternatively, the Golden Girls

We could draw similar parallels to the Golden Girls.

~

Witch Academy
Speaking of familiar, Wanda, with her trampy-vampy styles, reminded us of another leading lady…
hedwig-and-the-angry-inch

~

Soon, the girls are visited by Edith, the head B in charge of the sorority…

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After three sets of breasts, the above-mentioned spanking, an alien costume, an electric laser defense system (wtf), an exploding telephone boobytrap (wtf wtf), they get around to advancing the plot, which centers on mousy wannabe Leslie vying for entry into the sorority. Let’s watch…
That is some real sub-porn quality acting there. From there, Satan (Robert Vaughn!) shows up, there is a  SEXY TRANSFORMATION, and also monsters.
You said it, Satan!

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Priscilla Barnes in Witch Academy
Note: You may recognize that Edith is played by Priscilla Barnes, who played the girl who replaced the girl who replaced Suzanne Somers on “Three’s Company”.
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Shadow Hours (2000)

424956~Shadow-Hours-Posters

Made in 2000, yet painfully '90s.

Fast-forward when bored
to club scenes with sexiness.
Hell? Satan? Nowhere.

Rebecca Gayheart
we loved it when you harped on
Balthazar Getty


AND NOW another thrilling edition of CELL PHONE CAMERA THEATRE:

We watched this exchange about a half dozen times. It gets better with repeat viewings.

A break, Michael? Don’t lie to me.

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Python 2

Python 2

"Python 2": Keep it at arms length. Serve with alcohol.

big fake-looking snake.
it eats generic soldiers.
what did you expect?

WHOAAA

Reacting to a snake that looks like it came out of a SNES game.

Vixen!

She's a sultry maid.

Troubled!

She's a cross-eyed vixen.

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