Barbarian Brothers (1987)

swords and sorcery
spirits and synthesizers
steroids and sequins

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Willy Wilson recommends: Dark Paradox (2007)

Friend of us Willy Wilson knows that we love secret cults, Canadian horror, portals, and all things Lovecraftian. She recommended “Dark Paradox” (2007), since it exists in the centre of a Venn diagram containing those four things. Enjoy!

As far as we can tell, Victoria, British Columbia, isn’t the Satanic capital of North America… though, it IS the Cycling Capital of Canada. Perhaps the hundreds of kilometers of bike paths form a colossal pentagram. I guess we’ll find out when the city gets sucked into the gaping maw of Hell.

Crossworlds (1997)

you know, it’s funny…
these alternate dimensions
all look like L.A.

Dumb fact: While we were watching Crossworlds, we talked about Crossroads (2002). Unbeknownst to us, the Queen is played by Beverly Johnson, who also played Britney Spears’ mean friend’s mean mom in Crossroads (2002). Weird.

Disco Godfather (1979)

“put your weight on it!”
he yells it, ad nauseam.
not a good catchphrase.

Synopsis: A retired police officer becomes a vigilante slash local celebrity comma anti-drug advocate uh disco enthusiast. The weirdness of the movie is thanks almost entirely to the presence of Rudy Ray Moore (singer, actor, producer, bon vivant). Moore also completed 32 comedy albums, the humour of which is as subtle as his track “Mr. Big Dick” from the album “This Pussy Belongs to Me”.

From the credits: “Put Your Weight On It” phrase copyright © Rudy Ray Moore

SPOILER ALERT: Despite the The Disco Godfather’s constant quipping, big smiling dance sequences, sudden kung-fu battles, and impromptu stand-up comedy routines, the movie manages to end on a horrifying note. Once the Disco Godfather tracks down the kingpin that is behind the city’s drug production, he gets ambushed, and is forced to inhale PCP through a gas mask. The freezeframe that accompanies the closing credits is the Disco Godfather, tortured by demonic imagery, screaming hysterically with a gas mask strapped to his face. Umm… put your weight on it, put your weight on it, put your weight on it!!

She-Gods of Shark Reef (1958)

she-gods? not really.
just old broads in floral prints.
dudes have a slap fight

This old-timey film is in the public domain, but you can watch it on YouTube. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwyZ0V4eBO0

Deadly Illusion (1987)

an epic battle
moustache of truth and justice
shoulderpads of sin

OK, so who IS this tongue-flicking lovely? It’s Vanity (aka Denise Matthews, a former Prince protégé), playing the role of Billy Dee Williams’ cab-drivin’, sass-talkin’ girlfriend. Here is some essential Vanity knowledge:

• Prince chose her to be the lead in an all-girl group that would perform in lingerie and sing sensual songs with sexually-charged lyrics (“Nasty Girl”, “Sex Shooter”, “Wet Dream”, etc.)
• Prince wanted to re-name her “Vagina” (pronounced “Va-Geena”). She was not fussy.
• He settled on the the name “Vanity” and the group became “Vanity 6” (though he wanted to name them “The Hookers”).
• Why is the group named “Vanity 6” when there are only three members? It’s their total number of breasts.
• Eventually, things went sour, and Prince dropped Vanity from the group, and replaced her with Appolonia, and renamed the group “Appolonia 6”.
• Like most former Prince protégés, she’s now an evangelical preacher.

And now, you really need to watch this. We have… about 400 times:

Scandal in a Small Town

jacket, vest, shorts, shirt,
overalls, hat, scrunchie, skirt
a sea of denim

This movie would make an excellent drinking game, and you only need one rule: drink every time you seen something denim. People in this film certainly love that rugged cotton textile. Before seeing this movie, we didn’t know that denim blazers existed. Now we do.

First, let’s get the synopsis out of the way:
“She may not be the moral standard of the town, but this sexy lady is a woman ready to fight for what she believes in. When confronted with the fight of her life, she faces the town leaders head on and forces them to take note of their prejudices; proving to all that being sexy is no crime.”

PHEW. OK. Now, what IS the scandal? Well, Raquel finds out that her teen daughter’s history teacher is  is being taught to hate Jews. However, their tiny town hates skanks more than Nazis, so they try to burn down her house.

Here’s some important math:

• Raquel Welch was 49 when this movie came out.
• She was a teen mom, giving birth to her daughter at 16.
• In this film, her daughter is 16.
• That means that Raquel is playing a 32 year old woman. C’mon, Raquel. Seriously.

Can’t get enough of Raquel and her rhythmic movements? Hair you go:

The Crow: Wicked Prayer

walk slow as house burns
and look like a sad lady.
re-apply lipstick

Ohhh… so many problems with this one. Here’s a few highlights:

• the theatrical debut of the UFC’s Tito Ortiz.
• a cameo by Macy Gray.
• Dennis Hopper in a complete WTF performance as a jive-talkin’ pimp/cult leader. Not even he can deliver a stinker of a line like “I now pronounce you devil and his shorty!”

On the upside, it’s got Danny Trejo (MACHETE!) and our best girl, Tara Reid!

I thought the biggest problem was Edward Furlong, who ends up looking more than a little effeminate after he takes a Sharpie to his face. The look he’s going for is “grim spectre of death” but it’s more like “bay goth teen who took a Sharpie to his face while watching the first Crow movie in their room on VHS”.

Evanescence's webmaster.

Personally, Edward Furlong as The Crow reminded me of those Living Dead Dolls from Hot Topic:

Basically the same.

Swamp Women

prison for bitches
questionable uniforms
behold! camel toe!

Wasp Woman (1959)

Note: this does not happen.

mad men, with monsters!
sounds like ’60s spider-man
xylophone montage!

BONUS HAIKU:
hey, it’s the fifties!
now put that dame in her place.
let’s smoke everywhere!