swords and sorcery
spirits and synthesizers
steroids and sequins
Friend of us Willy Wilson knows that we love secret cults, Canadian horror, portals, and all things Lovecraftian. She recommended “Dark Paradox” (2007), since it exists in the centre of a Venn diagram containing those four things. Enjoy!
As far as we can tell, Victoria, British Columbia, isn’t the Satanic capital of North America… though, it IS the Cycling Capital of Canada. Perhaps the hundreds of kilometers of bike paths form a colossal pentagram. I guess we’ll find out when the city gets sucked into the gaping maw of Hell.
“put your weight on it!”
he yells it, ad nauseam.
not a good catchphrase.
Synopsis: A retired police officer becomes a vigilante slash local celebrity comma anti-drug advocate uh disco enthusiast. The weirdness of the movie is thanks almost entirely to the presence of Rudy Ray Moore (singer, actor, producer, bon vivant). Moore also completed 32 comedy albums, the humour of which is as subtle as his track “Mr. Big Dick” from the album “This Pussy Belongs to Me”.
From the credits: “Put Your Weight On It” phrase copyright © Rudy Ray Moore
SPOILER ALERT: Despite the The Disco Godfather’s constant quipping, big smiling dance sequences, sudden kung-fu battles, and impromptu stand-up comedy routines, the movie manages to end on a horrifying note. Once the Disco Godfather tracks down the kingpin that is behind the city’s drug production, he gets ambushed, and is forced to inhale PCP through a gas mask. The freezeframe that accompanies the closing credits is the Disco Godfather, tortured by demonic imagery, screaming hysterically with a gas mask strapped to his face. Umm… put your weight on it, put your weight on it, put your weight on it!!
an epic battle
moustache of truth and justice
shoulderpads of sin
OK, so who IS this tongue-flicking lovely? It’s Vanity (aka Denise Matthews, a former Prince protégé), playing the role of Billy Dee Williams’ cab-drivin’, sass-talkin’ girlfriend. Here is some essential Vanity knowledge:
And now, you really need to watch this. We have… about 400 times:
jacket, vest, shorts, shirt,
overalls, hat, scrunchie, skirt
a sea of denim
This movie would make an excellent drinking game, and you only need one rule: drink every time you seen something denim. People in this film certainly love that rugged cotton textile. Before seeing this movie, we didn’t know that denim blazers existed. Now we do.
First, let’s get the synopsis out of the way:
“She may not be the moral standard of the town, but this sexy lady is a woman ready to fight for what she believes in. When confronted with the fight of her life, she faces the town leaders head on and forces them to take note of their prejudices; proving to all that being sexy is no crime.”
PHEW. OK. Now, what IS the scandal? Well, Raquel finds out that her teen daughter’s history teacher is is being taught to hate Jews. However, their tiny town hates skanks more than Nazis, so they try to burn down her house.
Here’s some important math:
Can’t get enough of Raquel and her rhythmic movements? Hair you go:
walk slow as house burns
and look like a sad lady.
Ohhh… so many problems with this one. Here’s a few highlights:
On the upside, it’s got Danny Trejo (MACHETE!) and our best girl, Tara Reid!
I thought the biggest problem was Edward Furlong, who ends up looking more than a little effeminate after he takes a Sharpie to his face. The look he’s going for is “grim spectre of death” but it’s more like “bay goth teen who took a Sharpie to his face while watching the first Crow movie in their room on VHS”.
Personally, Edward Furlong as The Crow reminded me of those Living Dead Dolls from Hot Topic:
mad men, with monsters!
sounds like ’60s spider-man
hey, it’s the fifties!
now put that dame in her place.
let’s smoke everywhere!