April Fools (2007)

 

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, now with less Brandy

Scream, but in da hood
and with bad rap sequences.
Slow motion killings.

Just so you know: the killer’s nickname is Poop.

Loverboy (1989)

EXTRA ANCHOVIES.

pat dempsey sells out
quits punk to become a ho
woos kirstie alley

Burlesque (2010)

"WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL MY LIFE"

welcome to burlesque
your leg is cher’s microphone
glitter bras for all

cher and a crow bar
beat the windows out ya car
lame drama ballad

Modelli Folli aka Model Madness (2010)

motion editorial sickness

ty-ty’s in film school
so whip your hair in reverse
a top model first

Halloween II (1981)

damn, michael myers!
just leave jamie lee alone.
syringe into eye.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

like flashdance, but with zombies instead of welding.

hey everybody
let’s make like tito ortiz
and haul fucking buns

well, we’ve finally seen ZOMBIE STRIPPERS, and now we can never unsee it.

highlights include:

• weird existential bullshit dialogue that makes absolutely no sense
• references to both UHF and THE WARRIORS
• ridiculous stripper pole moves
• a zombie stripper shooting golf AND pool balls out of her cooch

despite all of this, i can never, ever imagine watching it again. solid effort, really good if you’re into strippers and zombies maybe, but a pretty terrible movie all in all.

Dark Town (2004)

i'm still shocked that boylorne bought this at a yard sale from a grandma.

Compton has vampires
stay away from dad’s thermos
it’s a lost boys trick!

for the best part of this movie, go about 30 seconds into this clip:

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Summer vacation ideas.

It’s so romantic.
Connected butthole to mouth;
Pooping back and forth.

WARNING: Once you watch this, you cannot unwatch it:

And for those special loved ones in your life, Etsy has some flossy accessories: http://www.etsy.com/listing/48710700/the-human-centipede-necklace

For those lonely nights, there’s also the video game: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/human-centipede-game/

Happy news! 2011’s planned sequel has been described by auteur Tom Six as making the first one look like My Little Pony in comparison.

Seriously though, this movie made me really sad.

She-Gods of Shark Reef (1958)

she-gods? not really.
just old broads in floral prints.
dudes have a slap fight

This old-timey film is in the public domain, but you can watch it on YouTube. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwyZ0V4eBO0

Prey for Rock and Roll

new york times loved this.
just paint my belly baby.
marc blucas says “fuck”.