Bai Ling is… stepping into your sweet Christmas

Fred Olen Ray’s Drive-In Theatre

Oh hi.

Last year, we had lots to say about Curse of the Vampires (vampire vs. ghost! blackface! candelabras!). Mostly, we were taken in by the DVD’s intro segment, provided by noted B-movie writer/director/producer Fred Olen Ray. Titled “Retromedia Drive-In Theatre”, Ray sets up the film, mostly by making awkward conversation and puns about boners. We finally got around to getting some screencaps. Enjoy!

HEEEEEEEEY

Quoth savagebrewtality: "Two butts!"

There's also cork-popping sound effects.

According to Fred, he's related to a dozen historical figures, from Jesse James, to former First Lady Laura Bush. He also claims to be the 14th cousin of noted lady vampire, Elizabeth Bathory.

In the segment, Ray is accompanied by his sidekick, Miss Kim. As he notes, she has “some big, swingin’ knockers”.  Also, she drinks a soda, seductively (???).

Loverboy (1989)

EXTRA ANCHOVIES.

pat dempsey sells out
quits punk to become a ho
woos kirstie alley

Barbarian Brothers (1987)

swords and sorcery
spirits and synthesizers
steroids and sequins