Monthly Archives: May 2009

Unwatchable: Battlefield Earth

We watch a lot of bad movies – this much should be obvious to you now, dear reader. Where most people barely tolerate the movies we watch, we pushed through “tolerance”, right through into “addiction” – to the point where we actively seek out titles that are sure to leave us shell-shocked from dire dialogue, phony sets, obvious twists, and hammy acting.

However, every now and then, a film comes along that is so wretched, so gawd-awful, that we have to eject the offending VHS tape from the VCR like so much vomit after one too many Faxe. (Editor’s note: One Faxe is one too many Faxe).

One such film is “Battlefield Earth”. After purchasing it for $1.16 (we got it at a flea market – Three movies for $5… but we only had $3.48), we settled in to watch what many people have described as the worst movie ever.

We got about 20 minutes in, which is before the scene where the caveman from the future finds the Declaration of Independence and blows up Alien John Travolta with a fighter jet that he found.

0:30 seconds in is when the real magic begins. Tremendous acting talent!

Battlefield Earth = UNWATCHABLE.

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The Tara Reid Acting School for Real Smart Ladies: Isabel Lucas

Glasses? Clipboard? HAIR IN A BUN?? This is one smart lady.

Glasses? Clipboard? HAIR IN A BUN?? This is one smart lady.

Upon her successful appearance in “Alone in the Dark” as a real smart archaeology lady (Quoth director Uwe Boll: “Tara Reid is looking really intelligent with eyeglass.”), Tara Reid decided it was time to give back to the community. So, she opened The Tara Reid Acting School for Real Smart Ladies – a place where pretty ladies can learn to hold props that look smart, in hopes that they themselves will appear intelligent.

Who needs brains when you have a wind machine?

Who needs brains when you have a wind machine?

Graduate: Isabel Lucas
Major: Book Holding
Film: Transformers 2 (2009)

From all of us here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, we wish Isabel Lucas a hearty congratulations, and remind our readers that intelligence is only a labcoat away.


[site news] Twitter

oh, super-modern!
we got a twitter account
next: we start sexting

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oh, go shunt yourself.

oh, go shunt yourself.

irrational fears?
a monster in the closet?
no, just a stalker.

going to the shrink,
class president elections,
distracted by vag.

waxy blob orgy,
shit, they are all in on it,
worst party ever.

the wealthy elite
awful, inbred human-slugs,
an allegory.


available on youtube.

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My Bloody Valentine 3D

Nothing says date movie like motion sickness

Nothing says date movie like motion sickness

To my Valentine:
WB stars (as teens??)
and some 3D shit.

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Black Cobra


bad-ass detective.
doesn’t make a lot of sense.
you’ve been blaxploited!

Choice quotes from “Black Cobra”:

The Chief (bloody and battered after thugs kidnap his daughter): If only I was twenty-five years younger…!
Black Cobra: If you were twenty-five years younger, you would not have a daughter.


The Chief (who is reluctant to let Black Cobra on the case of his missing daughter): I know why you’re doing this. It’s because it’s my daughter, isn’t it?
Black Cobra: I’m not doing it for you. I’m just doing it. I would do it even if it were Santa Claus’ daughter.

Note: This video gets good around the 1:00 mark.

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Black Cobra 2

Made using MS Paint?

Made using MS Paint?

black cobra is back!
his ‘member’s only’ jacket
hides a heart of gold

A special guest review from our friends at george5650230:
Black Cobra 2 was desirable! You have to make out this movie! A superfine performance by Edoardo Margheriti & Fred Williamson make Black Cobra 2 a “ought to come alive” movie! The stunning cast includes Edoardo Margheriti, Fred Williamson, Nicholas Hammond, Emma Hoagland, Najid Jadali. This cast just make Black Cobra 2 the more prodigious!

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[Hall of Fame] Bai Ling



Congratulations to Bai Ling who has starred in three 24hourstomidnight classics (Code Hunter, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Southland Tales). She is now a member of our Hall of Fame. She also starred in that episode of “Lost” about Jack’s tattoos, and no one likes that episode.

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Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2


no book and no witch?
survival horror mixed with
reality bites

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