Wasp Woman (1959)

Note: this does not happen.

mad men, with monsters!
sounds like ’60s spider-man
xylophone montage!

BONUS HAIKU:
hey, it’s the fifties!
now put that dame in her place.
let’s smoke everywhere!

Night of the Cobra Woman (1972)

evil snake lady
she feeds on youth to stay young…
is that you, Tyra?

Baroness, you're the only Cobra woman for me.

Kolobos

No tattooed cat lady or pet dragon in this film.

post-Scream, features teens.
you make self-aware comments.
do you know you suck?

When a movie is written and directed by the same person, it’s a sometimes a good indicator of the quality of film you’re watching. However, when the writer/director has a cameo in the first half hour and moons the camera, then you have a very good indicator of the quality of film you’re watching.

To keep our review fair and unbiased, here’s a user comment from imdb: “The Shower with acid in it is the best death i think because you think it could happen to you in real life, (well all the deaths can) but this 1 the most. Id give an 8/10”.

Here in Kolobos star Amy Weber’s hot track, “Ghost”, she’s been ‘tuned within an inch of her life. And there’s helpful subtitles to follow along with the lyrics! I personally recommend you watch for the photograph at the 0:30 mark. Jowly!

I need more synth handclaps!

[news] Hooray for Zombieland!

Darkness (2002)

seriously, there is a hellmouth in the middle of your living room. it's got snakes and everything.

strangely aged boyfriend
there’s no larva in the wall
chop those vegetables

this ending of this movie was so scary i had to watch “the room” before i went to bed so that i would not be scared of the dark.    YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!

[The LAMB Devours the Oscars 2010] Best live action short film

Hey y’all.

It’s time for the Large Association of Movie Blogs’ annual event, “The LAMB Devours the Oscars”, where different blogs tackle different categories of the Oscars. Luckily, it’s a category that matches this site’s attention span (if not our taste level) — Best Live Action Short Film.

The five nominees are:

• “Miracle Fish,” Luke Doolan, director, and Drew Bailey, producer (Druid Films)
• “Instead of Abracadabra,” Patrik Eklund, director, and Mathias Fjellstrom, producer (Direktorn & Fabrikorn)
• “Kavi,” Gregg Helvey, director-producer (Gregg Helvey)
• “The Door,” Juanita Wilson, director, and James Flynn, producer (Octagon Films Ltd.)
• “The New Tenants,” Joachim Back, director, and Tivi Magnusson, producer (Park Pictures)

INSTEAD OF ABRAKADABRA

dorky magic swede,
chock full of indie styles!
but hipsters don’t vote

KAVI

kavi is a slave
this dirt poor kid won’t win it
slumdog’s so last year

THE DOOR

chernobyl fallout
the children are all so pale
fresh outta jokes, y’all

THE NEW TENANTS

last film – hope it’s good
hey, vincent d’onofrio!
let’s give him the win.

PICK TO WIN: The New Tenants

BONUS: SHORT TERM 12 (written before the nominations were announced):

then there’s short term 12.
sad kids, and sadder adults?
we have a winner.

Hellraiser (1987)

Um... he'll also tear apart your entire body.

 

Gurl, your step-mom blows!
She brought back your dead uncle
and fucked with Pinhead. 

Rubik’s Cube from Hell.
Step away from the portal!
AHHHHHH! The Cenobites! 

Lovely party.

 

 

And as if Pinhead and the Cenobites weren’t enough to freak you right out,  Clive Barker decided to throw a reconstituted, skinless, sadomasochistic uncle into the mix. Fun for the whole family! 

Oh, hi. Nightmares forever.

 

 

New Moon

an assault on the senses.

edward cullen’s back
what a fucking dickburger
NO GLITTERDICK! NOOOOOOO!

The Wolfman (2010)

anthony hopkins! get yourself out of the fireplace!

it’s all your dad’s fault
so “ah-wooo” like shakira
prance about the moors

BONUS!!!!!!

Crush

he fights and housesits
his work out jams? papa roach
don’t sleep with that ghost

Though the film is fairly predictable, it manages to do a nice gender flip of the usual “obsessed spurned lover” plot. The male lead is the one running around, hiding in closets, and tripping over his own feet.  Bonus: The climax doesn’t feature the clueless girlfriend showing up so she can get saved.

And, yes, Papa Roach’s “Last Resort” was used not once but TWICE in this movie. We think the director missed a golden opportunity…