The Unholy

Demons with '80s hair apply within.

Who’s killing the priests?
The dad from Boy Meets World!?! Oh–
Seduced by Satan.

Degrees: Sebastian Spence

Savagebrewtality and Naturalie are both one degree from Sebastian Spence.

Sebastian Spence was on Battlestar Galactica with Katee Sackhoff.

Who was in White Noise 2 with Nathan Fillion.

Who was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Who was on Buffy with David Boreanaz.

Who was in The Crow: Wicked Prayer with Tara Reid.

Who starred in Alone in the Dark by Uwe Boll.

Alternate routes:
Sebastian Spence was in a few episodes of “Dark Angel”, starring Jessica Alba, who was in “The Love Guru” with Ben Kingsley, who was in “BloodRayne”, which was directed by Uwe Boll.

OR

Sebastian Spence was in CBC show “Robson Arms” with Dave Foley, who was in “Postal”, which was directed by Uwe Boll.

Teen Witch

Her goal: To be the most popular girl.

This was most awesome!
Zelda Rubinstein’s in it!!!
With eighty’s fashions!

A very good score!
“Oh, I like boys. I like boys!”
and choreographed!

Oh, Louise Miller,
Walking, talking, tragedy.
What a drama queen.

Is that Rosie O?
Is that your little brother?
We could never tell.

Seriously though,
you have magical powers.
Get over yourself.

Witchcraft IV

Do not be deceived.
There’s very little witchcraft.
Vicki Gabereau.

Sorry, no trailers available.

The Hidden

Don't forget your crazy-looking space gun! You may want to off yourself during this film.

This monster likes guns,
fast cars, and heavy metal…
Watch out! Evil dog!!!

But, who would’ve thought?
Agent Cooper was one, too!
Jen knew all along.

So, it was alright.
Would’ve been better done if
done by David Lynch.

Cujo

Sorry, Stephen King. St. Bernard's aren't scary like they were in the 80's.

This was not scary
But the dog was really cute.
Despite the rabies.

But, seriously…
Come on! Your dog has rabies.
Just calm the fuck down.

UPDATE

This was so scary!!!
Naturalie fell asleep.
You don’t have the right!

[Hall of Fame] Jean-Claude Van Damme

“I go to the gym. I don’t do pot any more. I don’t do coke any more. I am very down to earth. I am not Dolce & Gabbana. I am Levi’s. I am a people man. The blue collar love me.” – JCVD

Congratulations, Jean-Claude Van Damme, star of Monaco Forever, Street Fighter, and Double Team – You are now a member of our Hall of Fame! You’ll always be Dolce & Gabbana to us.

Macabre

i hear you make great soup

the worst day ever,
your son and boyfriend both killed,
trashy lingerie.

hospital release,
now you live with a blind man,
and your daughter’s nuts.

you’re totally gross,
every night insatiable,
necrophilia.

NSFW!
this is the grossest thing i’ve ever seen.
haiku co-written with maggie.

A Blade in the Dark aka La casa con la scala nel buio

kleenex ain't gonna clean that up

girl in the closet
a weave in the chicken wire
typical katia

is this your weapon?
an exacto-knife? puleeze.
retract blade slowly.

ok vacant nerds, this movie is actually terrifying. you can watch it on youtube.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

We love you, Elvira. We truly love you.

Please, Queen B-Movie,
there are only so many
breast jokes to be made.