April Fools (2007)

 

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, now with less Brandy

Scream, but in da hood
and with bad rap sequences.
Slow motion killings.

Just so you know: the killer’s nickname is Poop.

Burlesque (2010)

"WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL MY LIFE"

welcome to burlesque
your leg is cher’s microphone
glitter bras for all

cher and a crow bar
beat the windows out ya car
lame drama ballad

Halloween II (1981)

damn, michael myers!
just leave jamie lee alone.
syringe into eye.

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror (2007)

"Who would want to be with a singer-songwriter who hasn't hit the big time? ... Do you want some couscous?"

sluttiness abounds
and so do gay one-liners
yay, stabbed by drag queen!

Here’s the “sexy version” of the trailer:

And here’s a fun little scene:

So it turns out that above crazy lady was actually gang-banged by a large group of Republicans and gave birth to a teenage zombie boy.

 

Someone’s Knocking at the Door (2009)

Hallucinations
Starring cheap Keanu Reeves.
So much dicky-bird.

This “grind-house throwback” was actually pretty disturbing, especially because of the intense scenes of equal opportunity rape and slaughter. Luckily, it was all just a dream!

Salt (2010)

 

Would you like some fat, pouty lips with your salt?

Typical Jolie:
shoot some guns and give some ‘tude;
ridiculous clothes.

At least the role didn’t go to Tom Cruise, as was originally intended – though imagine him sporting this rather fetching look:

Jolie: so Russian

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Leatherface is mega creepy.

Okay, Michael Bay,
we get the point already:
remake everything.

What is TCM really inspired by? Apparently, Leatherface is based on real-life creepazoid Ed Gein, and the events on any number of urban legends involving teenagers, vans, drugs and sex.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

As good or better than the original

A dark comedy
Rider Strong dies first, thank god
Don’t drink that punch, bitch!

According to the A.V. Club, director Ti West (House of the Devil, The Roost) requested to have his screen credit removed from the film because it had been shelved since 2007 and recut without his input. West originally envisioned his film as “a very John Waters/Paul Bartel-style anarchist horror-comedy, a very disgusting social commentary about teen sex and disease and things like that.” Though he was unimpressed with the results, these elements are still present in the final, bloody disgusting product.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

Summer vacation ideas.

It’s so romantic.
Connected butthole to mouth;
Pooping back and forth.

WARNING: Once you watch this, you cannot unwatch it:

And for those special loved ones in your life, Etsy has some flossy accessories: http://www.etsy.com/listing/48710700/the-human-centipede-necklace

For those lonely nights, there’s also the video game: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/human-centipede-game/

Happy news! 2011’s planned sequel has been described by auteur Tom Six as making the first one look like My Little Pony in comparison.

Seriously though, this movie made me really sad.

Tooth and Nail (2007)

Unfortunately, no skeleton butterfly monsters here.

Come on, Rider Strong!
How many times have you been
post-apocalypsed?