Long Time Dead

This movie has it all... except portals.

Ouija addiction!
Like Hackers with Ouija boards.
Thanks for one last morph.

A welfare planchette,
But the board was really neat.
What an explosion!

Silent Hill

We can't decide if we like this movie or not.

Screaming ash babies!
We didn’t really get this.
What?? Dead in the mist??

Unwatchable: Gigli

Here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, it is our ongoing mission to raise awareness of bad movies (or “Cinéma décharge” – cinema of the dumpster). However, every once in a while, there is a movie so odious, so toxically bad, that we have to hit the eject button on our long-suffering VCR for fear of creating a great sucking void of horribleness.

Once such film is “Gigli” – rhymes with “really” – synonymous with “terrible film”. Unlike previous “Unwatchable” entry, “Battlefield: Earth”, “Gigli” wasn’t destined to be bad. It had a competent writer/director (“Scent of a Woman”‘s Martin Brest) and a script that veered away from romantic comedy and toward the dark and violent. However, things went awry when Brest decided to bank on the tabloid frenzy surrounding stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. The grim, introspective elements of the film were jettisoned to make room for the romantic comedy plot, plus some big-time laffs at the retarded brother. I’ll let the synopsis do the talking:

Larry Gigli (Affleck), a lowly hitman, is assigned a job by the mob to kidnap a mentally retarded brother of a district attorney. Gigli abducts the brother from his mental hospital and holds him hostage in his apartment. Ricki (Lopez), a lesbian assassin, is sent to oversee Gigli’s job and make sure he doesn’t screw it up. Hi-jinx ensue as the two go on the lam and fall in love.

In love? It’s a full-on conversion! J-Lo turns ex-gay.

With an offensive script, poor directorial choices, and super-hammy acting by decent actors (Al Pacino, Christopher Walken), “Gigli” = UNWATCHABLE.

Dream Machine

so forgettable i can't even think of a caption.

hey corey, what stinks?
the dead body in your trunk?
oh, who cares! free porsche!

Sleepwalkers

Cop-kabob.

weird cat-vampires,
only after your virtue.
gross, dude, that’s your mom.

Blingee Tribute: Tara Reid

Isn’t traditional photography such a bore? Here at “24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”, we feel that a photograph just isn’t finished until we’ve been to Blingee.com. Look at how we honour site favourite, Tara Reid.

Happy Discovery Day Weekend, everybody!

[Hall of Fame] Justin Long

Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) (voice) .... Alvin

Congratulations to Justin Long who has starred in three 24hourstomidnight classics (Crossroads, Jeepers Creepers, Drag Me to Hell). He is now a member of our Hall of Fame. He’s more commonly known as “the Mac guy”, but we know him as the actor people call when they want to drape their film in affable smarm. Ugh – punchable face.

Date with the Dead

Breaking up has never been so terrible

A local short film!
Oh, Andy Jones, we love you!
Hot zombie action.

a solid effort
good acting by the deceased
next time? more zombies

Invitation to Hell

It’s Susan Lucci!
If you think this film is bad…
You should “join the club.”

Lasers and portals.
A daytime Emmy winner.
What could be better?

Obsessed

If he don

Oh hi Beyonce.
Lay the smackdown on Ali!
Through the ceiling? Whoa!!!

Savage Sasha Fierce!
Just call the cops already!
Everyone is dumb.

To get the full effect of this movie, just watch this trailer and the fight scene between Beyonce and Ali. Don’t waste your time with the rest.

—

BONUS QUIZ:
BEYONCÉ LYRIC or OBSESSED QUOTE

1) ???: You better do something about this woman, or I will!
2) ???: She gon’ be rockin’ chinchilla coats if I let you go.
3) ???: I’ll drag your skinny ass all over this carpet!
4) ???: Can you pay my automo’ bills?
5) ???: You know who this is/ you came into my house/ you touched my child/ You think you’re crazy?/ I’ma show you crazy!

Highlight for the answers!:
1) Sasha Fierce.
2) Sasha Fierce.
3) Sasha Fierce.
4) Sasha Fierce.
5) Sasha Fierce.