Skinwalkers

 

Jason Behr-wolf

coffee cup drama
boy hits puberty, breaks curse
a werewolf shoot-out

this was surprisingly good. there was a total lost boys rip-off part at the end, which i loved. plus! tom jackson, and elias koteas. COME ON.

Pontypool

 

ladies, that guy is not handsome. otherwise, i have no complaints about this movie.

zombies throw up blood,
dudes, just get off the radio.
ew! gross! don’t kiss that!

Terror in Paradise

"Oh, the terror is causing me to clutch this tiny towel even closer to my bare flesh!"

terrorists beware.
they’re going to stop you somehow.
horny tennis pros.

Quotable quote #1
Terrorist (upon spotting our heroes): It’s some young stud, and a broad with the hots.

Quotable quote #2
Hero: What happened to you?
Heroine: They raped me.
Hero: I’LL KILL THEM!
Heroine: I already did.
Hero: I want you to always be part of my life.

Quotable quote #3:
Token black terrorist on squad of multicultural terrorists: Don’t jazz me!

Best scene:
Before the finale, one terrorist, in memory of his fallen terrorist pals, sheds a single tear.

Angelfist

"If Looks Could Kill, They Wouldn't Need To Kick."

want to fight some crime?
join these lady kickboxers;
shower frequently.

when not fighting nude,
all of the girls wear spandex.
it’s leotarded.

Fast Fact #1: Angelfist was directed by Cirio H. Santiago, director of TNT Jackson!
Fast Fact #2: Angelfist stars Catya Sassoon, daughter of Vidal Sassoon!

The Million Dollar Hotel

Mel Gibson is in a twitchy-actor sandwich.

mel gibson regrets.
quote: “boring as a dog’s ass”.
your script sucks, bono.

The Forsaken

 

STARS OF THE WB UNITE!

teen stars and vampires
an allegory for AIDS?
i miss the 90s.

Everyone is in this movie, even Simon Rex!

Jennifer’s Body

Agents of Satan,
but with really awesome hair.
Indie music’s hard.

Spell for record deal.
Jennifer is no virgin!
Succubus is born.

The Final Destination

NO MORE PLEASE.

the last one for real?
shout-out: clear rivers water
two words: 3-D poo

 

Céline: The Movie

oh, the eyebrows.

tale as old as time
inappropriate romance
sing, faux Céline, sing.

THANKS CBC!

Degrees: Top Model edition

Degrees – Anybody can be a few steps from Kevin Bacon, but you have to be pretty famous (like us) to be this close to German B-movie schlockmeister and general bad human Uwe Boll. In this feature, we examine the many ways that we are connected to Uwe Boll.

This one starts with another former housemate:

housemate’s sister is Rebeccah, of Canada’s Next Top Model, Cycle 2.

Smiling with her eyes? Only Tyra knows for sure!

Canada’s Next Top Model is produced by…

This is my own fault for Googling "Tyra Banks scary"

Tyra hosted the 2nd Annual Vibe awards with B-movie all-star LL Cool J.

Not surprisingly, people were stabbed shortly after.

LL Cool J starred with Michelle Rodriguez in the 2003 film, “S.W.A.T.”, and Michelle Rodriguez was in the vampire swords-and-sorcery film “BloodRayne”, which we covered here before.

Pouty. Always pouty.

And, of course, “BloodRayne” was directed by this guy:

Uwe Boll: Bad for humans.

NOTE: When filming “BloodRayne” in Western Europe, Uwe Boll decided that he did not want to pay the actresses hired to play prostitutes, so he got rid of the actresses and got real prostitutes to play prostitutes. Because they were cheaper.