Monthly Archives: November 2009

Bloodspell aka The Boy from Hell (1988)

because he's so handsome.

home for troubled youth
pre-fargo woodchipper death
kid possessed by dad

this was pretty much impossible to find a trailer or anything on. sorry.
i will tell you that it involved a lot of “acting”, and featured twink caplan, who is probably best known for playing miss geist in clueless.

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Parasite

sadly, my vhs tape was not in 3-D.

slow-motion fighters,
what does the future past hold?
sand and some ray guns.

Made in 1982, and set in 1992 after America was destroyed by a nuclear war, Parasite was billed as “the first futuristic monster movie in 3-D.” From what I remember, there’s a scientist running around a mostly abandoned town with a parasite in his stomach, and another in a weird container. Of course, this container is opened, and the second parasite escapes and wreaks havoc on the lamest gang ever, as well as a landlady that wears too much make up. This movie also features demi moore as a bar wench/lab assistant. According to someone on imdb “Seeing her in her tight shorts made this worth a check.” I think it’s just a really entertaining movie. Laser guns are awesome, ya jerks.

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Alienator

brutally ugly
genetic mutant bastard,
like lady gaga

OK, there’s much to discuss. First, it stars Jan-Michael Vincent (“Airwolf”, y’all!). Second, it’s directed by Fred Olen Ray, who directed Star Slammer, 13 Erotic Ghosts, and Invisible Mom 2.  He also created gay vampire dramas “Dante’s Cove” and “The Lair” (mystyron = #1 fan).

The first 45 minutes of “Alienator” had us reaching for the FFWD button. I mean, there were some high points, including everything being perfectly reasonable:

Business casual, in space.

…but it was otherwise a lot of glaring and glowering about a space prison. In short, a notorious space criminal (we can tell he’s a space criminal because he has a silver ski vest and matching headband) makes it to Earth, and holes up with some unsuspecting Earthlings in a cabin in the woods. We were mere SECONDS from hitting the Eject button when this vision of love made her first appearance:

I know, right?

Looking like a late-era He-Man action figure, here comes ALIENATOR.

Alienator, or Ziggy Stardust crossed with an auto parts store.

By the way, the tagline for the movie is: “In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman”.

The metal underpants? The thighs the size of stout German children? It's all too much to bear.

So, who is Alienator? Musclelady Teagan Clive, who is taking up space in the back of your brain as the bodybuilder in David Lee Roth’s video for “California Girls”. There’s not much on her imdb page, except for her biography, which is composed of one sentence. Please, meditate on this:

She made headlines when she showed up for a bodybuilding competition that had been canceled without her realizing it until after she entered the arena.

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Lady Dragon (1992)

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Rothrock is our hero!

Cynthia Rothrock
you are a Lady Dragon.
So fuck up some men!

Treason or magic?
Beat your slutty nemesis!
Now, shoulder shimmy.

Note: For fashion alone, this trailer is worth watching.

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The Prophecy

prophecy

Christopher Walken
runs around in leather pants
and gets biblical.

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The Prophecy 2

prophecy2

DANZIG.

Christopher Walken,
he can’t use a computer.
still, don’t fuck with him.

i could not find a trailer for this one, here is a clip:

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The Prophecy 3: The Ascent

prophecy3

ORGY MOUNTAIN.

Christopher Walken,
your hair is ridiculous,
look! now you are doves.

for some reason there are two more of these.  i do not understand why.

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Shadow Hours (2000)

424956~Shadow-Hours-Posters

Made in 2000, yet painfully '90s.

Fast-forward when bored
to club scenes with sexiness.
Hell? Satan? Nowhere.

Rebecca Gayheart
we loved it when you harped on
Balthazar Getty


AND NOW another thrilling edition of CELL PHONE CAMERA THEATRE:

We watched this exchange about a half dozen times. It gets better with repeat viewings.

A break, Michael? Don’t lie to me.

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[Hall of Fame] Winnipeg

WPG logo

Winnipeg: Quite possibly Canada's worst everything!

Congratulations, Winnipeg! You have starred in three 24 Hours to Midnight classics! The entirety of “Brotherhood 3: Young Demons” and “The Haunting in Connecticut”, as well as sections of Silent Hill, Cursed, and Resident Evil: Apocalypse were all filmed in the Murder Capital of Canada.

Accepting this award is Winnipeg’s own, Chantal Kreviazuk.

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WAAAAAAYNE / WAIT FOR ME / TAKE ME UP IN YOUR HOTAIRBALLOON AND FEED ME COTTON CANDYYY

Winnie. The. Pooh.

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Cursed

cursed

NO HOMO.

the mark of the beast
savage werewolves in LA
LOOK OUT! IT’S PACEY!

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