The Craft

Light as a feather, stiff as a board x like 100,000,000

teen girls have powers
repeat things ad nauseum
and throw hissy fits

The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak

someone save tawny
she’s bound and helpless again
fourteenth time today

Note: Watch the trailer at 0:20 seconds. Tawny gets nailed in the the face with a chunk of wood. Pretty funny.

For starters, the movie is based on the works of one John Willie, fetish photographer and bondage artist. His favourite subject was Gwendoline, your basic damsel-in-distress, who would get tied up by the evil queen (more on her later) until she was saved by (sigh) Secret Agent u-69.

So, the movie. It starts like an Indiana Jones knock-off (because it is) plus heaps of exposition explaining the importance of some exotic butterfly. We meet the swarthy hero who may just backhand his unwanted lady tag-along (Tawny Kitaen) at any minute. They face a variety of obstacles (Orientals! African savages!) but then, two-thirds of the way through the movie, the heroes come up a lost city of Amazons, and Tawny Kitaen ends up decked out in sweet gauntlets.

Some people prefer Tawny Kitaen in that Whitesnake video. Others prefer her in this ludicrous battle armor.

Then, there’s this. Skip to 1:40 to cut to the chase (literally):

After the TOTALLY EMPOWERING scene of ladies pulling chariots like horses, there’s a sweet fight scene. All the ladies are wearing leather thongs, so consider it NSFW.

We have to mention this scene, where virginal Gwendoline gets a lesson in love in this “phone sex without the phone” scene between Tawny Kitaen and Brent Huff. How long can you go without wretching?

Sidenote: The name of the actress that joins them at the end is Zabou. Just Zabou. One name. Like Yanni.

What else? Oh yeah, the Queen. She’s like a sado-masochistic Toad, wrapped in a sleeping bag. Pretty good.

The Queen, guarded by her clone army of samurai Grace Jones'.

Also, this happened.

Alienator

brutally ugly
genetic mutant bastard,
like lady gaga

OK, there’s much to discuss. First, it stars Jan-Michael Vincent (“Airwolf”, y’all!). Second, it’s directed by Fred Olen Ray, who directed Star Slammer, 13 Erotic Ghosts, and Invisible Mom 2.  He also created gay vampire dramas “Dante’s Cove” and “The Lair” (mystyron = #1 fan).

The first 45 minutes of “Alienator” had us reaching for the FFWD button. I mean, there were some high points, including everything being perfectly reasonable:

Business casual, in space.

…but it was otherwise a lot of glaring and glowering about a space prison. In short, a notorious space criminal (we can tell he’s a space criminal because he has a silver ski vest and matching headband) makes it to Earth, and holes up with some unsuspecting Earthlings in a cabin in the woods. We were mere SECONDS from hitting the Eject button when this vision of love made her first appearance:

I know, right?

Looking like a late-era He-Man action figure, here comes ALIENATOR.

Alienator, or Ziggy Stardust crossed with an auto parts store.

By the way, the tagline for the movie is: “In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman”.

The metal underpants? The thighs the size of stout German children? It's all too much to bear.

So, who is Alienator? Musclelady Teagan Clive, who is taking up space in the back of your brain as the bodybuilder in David Lee Roth’s video for “California Girls”. There’s not much on her imdb page, except for her biography, which is composed of one sentence. Please, meditate on this:

She made headlines when she showed up for a bodybuilding competition that had been canceled without her realizing it until after she entered the arena.

Angelfist

"If Looks Could Kill, They Wouldn't Need To Kick."

want to fight some crime?
join these lady kickboxers;
shower frequently.

when not fighting nude,
all of the girls wear spandex.
it’s leotarded.

Fast Fact #1: Angelfist was directed by Cirio H. Santiago, director of TNT Jackson!
Fast Fact #2: Angelfist stars Catya Sassoon, daughter of Vidal Sassoon!